Post-traumatic syndrome after the death of a loved one. The problem of the loss of loved ones (USE in Russian) The state of a person after the loss of a loved one

The post-traumatic syndrome that accompanies the death of loved ones is called acute grief reaction... This condition is a clinical nosology, it has its own staging, pathogenesis and methods of therapy.

Types of grief

The loss of a loved one is always unexpected and scary. It does not matter whether the person was sick, or his death came suddenly. Bereaved people are faced with grief in one way or another. Everyone experiences grief in different ways, some isolate and become asocial, while others, on the contrary, tend to maximize their involvement in activities so as not to face pain.

It is difficult to define the concept of "normal grief experience", it is a very individual process. However, there is a line after which the post-traumatic stress state becomes a clinical pathology and requires mandatory medical and psychological support.

Psychiatrists and psychologists distinguish two types of post-traumatic state of patients who survived the death of loved ones:

1. Normal reaction of acute grief.

2. Pathological reaction of acute grief.

In order to talk about the line between them, it is necessary to understand the clinical course and features of each stage.

Experiencing Natural Grief

The reaction of depression and deep grief associated with the death of a close relative is a normal reaction, it takes place and often, if it proceeds freely with the support of loved ones, a person returns to social life without the help of specialists. There are so-called stages of grief. These are periods characterized by the experience of certain emotions and corresponding behavior. The stages can be of different duration and do not always go in order, but they always take place.

Stage I of denial- this is the period that comes when the news comes about the death of a loved one. This stage is sometimes called shock stage. It is characterized by the following signs:

• disbelief;
• anger at the "messenger";
• an attempt or desire to change the situation;
• challenging the fact of the tragedy;
• illogical behavior in relation to the deceased (they set the table for him, go to the apartment, buy gifts and call);
• the conversation about the person goes as if he is still alive.

Stage II Anger- when the awareness of the tragedy reaches the understanding of a loved one, he begins to be angry at others, at himself, at the whole world for not having prevented the loss. This stage is characterized by:

• search for the culprit;
• antisocial behavior;
• isolation from loved ones;
• angry reaction to neutral or positive states of others.

III Stage of Bidding and Compromises- this is the stage when a person begins to think that perhaps there are forces in the world that can "cancel" the death of a close relative, mainly religious rituals and prayers are included here. The grieving person seeks compromises with God, tries to "bargain" with him for the opportunity to return a loved one. This stage is usually accompanied by the following feelings and actions:

• hope for the return of a loved one;
• seeking religious support;
• contacting religious or occult societies to find an answer to a question;
• frequent visits to churches (or other religious centers);
• bargaining with death (I will change if he comes back to life).

IV Depression- when the anger and attempts to change the tragic situation pass, when the whole brunt of the loss reaches the consciousness of the grieving person, the stage of depression sets in. This is a long and very difficult period. The period is indicated by such feelings:

• feeling of guilt for the death of a loved one;
• obsessive thoughts and states;
• existential questions (why do people die in their youth? What is the point of living now?);
• insomnia or hypersomnia (increased sleep duration);
• lack of appetite, or vice versa, pathological "seizing" of grief (experiencing anorexic or bulimic type);
• social isolation;
• loss of desire and ability to take care of yourself and others;
• abulia (volitional powerlessness);
• a sense of the meaninglessness of life after the death of a loved one;
• fear of loneliness when it is impossible to be in society.

V Acceptance- this is the last stage of resignation to loss. The person is still in pain, he is fully aware of the significance of the loss, but he is already able to solve everyday problems and get out of isolation, the emotional spectrum expands and activity grows. A person can be sad, afraid, with pain to remember the deceased, but he can already be socially active. These are normal symptoms of grief... The depression stage can last for a very long time, but the condition gradually improves. This is the main criterion for the "normality" of mourning. Even just knowing all these stages, you can understand how to survive the death of loved ones safely and completely.

Pathological reactions of grief

The main criterion for pathological mourning is the duration, intensity and progression of the stage of depression. Depending on the response to the grievous event, they distinguish 4 types of pathological reactions of grief:

1. Delayed grieving - this happens when the reaction to the loss of a loved one is very weak compared to the reaction to small everyday situations.
2. A chronic (lingering) grief reaction is a condition where symptoms do not improve or worsen over time and depression lasts for years. A person loses himself and the ability to take care of himself. Clinical depression sets in.
3. Exaggerated grief reactions are pathological conditions even for grieving. For example, instead of fear or anxiety, a person develops a phobia or panic attacks, instead of anger, attacks of rage appear and attempts to physically harm oneself or others.
4. Disguised grief - a person suffers and grieves, but denies any involvement in this grievous situation. This often manifests itself in the form of acute psychosomatics (exacerbation or manifestation of diseases).

Help for the grieving

It is very important to understand that any emotional states for a grieving person are indeed variants of the norm. It can be incredibly difficult to endure and stay close to a person who has lost a loved one in difficult emotional experiences. But rehabilitation after the death of a loved one implies support and participation, not ignoring or devaluing the significance of the loss.

What to do for family members to help the grieving person cope and not harm

It all depends on the stage of experiencing the loss. At the stage of denial, it is very important to respect the grieving person's right to shock and disbelief. There is no need to convince him, no need to prove death. A person will come to understanding, but at this moment his psyche is protected from injury. Otherwise, the reaction will go from normal to pathological, since the psyche will not cope with the amount of loss in a short time... You need to be there and allow you to experience mistrust, denial and shock. The illusion should not be maintained, and neither should it be denied. The anger stage is a normal process. A person has something to be angry about and it is necessary to allow this anger to be. Yes, it is hard and unpleasant to be the object of aggression. But help after the death of a loved one should consist in accepting any of his normal emotional states. Let it be better accusations, shouts and broken dishes than attempts to harm yourself. The stage of bargaining also seems “strange” to the relatives of the grieving person, but one must allow the person to bargain and find comfort in faith. If his activity in this direction does not entail leaving for a sect, dangerous rituals or suicide, it is worth allowing a person to be a believer and bargain with God. Depression is a period when loved ones should be especially attentive. This stage is the longest and most difficult.

In no case should you stop tears, devalue the loss (everything will be fine, don't cry, everything is fine). It is important to talk about loss, talk about its severity and pain, empathize and, in fact, work as an emotional mirror. If loved ones are not able to be around this way, it is worth contacting a psychologist and allowing the person to safely experience grief. At the stage of adoption, it is very important to support any new beginnings, plans and positive motives. Both the memories of the deceased and the emphasis on positive experiences are important. If the experience of grief turns into pathological, you need to immediately contact a psychotherapist, and, if necessary, a psychiatrist.

In the text proposed for analysis by V.P. Astafiev raises the problem of the loss of loved ones and late repentance to them. It is over her that he ponders.

This problem of a socio-moral nature cannot but worry a modern person.

The writer reveals this problem using the example of Leonid Soshnin, who came to the cemetery to visit the grave of his mother and aunt Lina. Soshnin has a depressed mood, he remembers the women dear to him, regrets that they are gone and he cannot do anything about this loss. Soshnin wants to help deceased loved ones, to do something for them, but it’s impossible to turn back time:

"He remembers his mother, but more Aunt Lina, he loves them, grieves for them, suffers, like all people who still have a heart in their breasts, for being alive, and they lie so close - you can reach them with your hand - and then the time is so far away that no one will ever reach or see them. "

Leonid also repents of his misdeeds before his mother and aunt Lina, of the troubles he has caused for their lives, but after repentance, the pain and sorrow in his soul did not subside, they continued to remind of themselves, Soshnin was still absorbed in heavy grief: "- Well, forgive me, mom, aunt Lina, - taking off his hat, Leonid bowed deeply and for some reason could not straighten up right away, for some reason the grief that had accumulated in him made him so heavy that there was no strength to raise his head and move. "

Astafiev shows us the severity of the loss of loved ones who were truly dear, how difficult it is to survive and realize the impossibility of their return.

Confirmation of the author's thought can be found in fiction... For example, in the story of A.S. Pushkin " Stationmaster". After Dunya left her father, Samson Vyrin hoped that she would return. He knew from his own experience that she could be deceived and abandoned. Dunya did not return. Samson Vyrin loved her, therefore he was looking for her, but his daughter and Minsky They avoided meeting him. The hopelessness of the situation ruined the caretaker. Dunya repented of what had happened already at her father's grave.

Another example is the story of K.G. Paustovsky "Telegram". For several years Nastya had not visited her sick mother, Katerina Petrovna, sent her only money, rarely wrote letters. Katerina Petrovna, knowing that she did not have much time left, wrote a letter to her daughter with a request to come. Nastya was busy organizing the sculptor's exhibition and, as usual, did nothing to meet with her mother. After she received a telegram that her mother was dying, she immediately left Leningrad for Zabor'e, and realized that no one loved her as much as her mother. Nastya did not have time, arrived on the second day after the funeral and cried all night. It seemed to her that no one, except Katerina Petrovna, could remove the burden of irreparable guilt from her.

Thus, we can draw the following conclusion: the loss of loved ones is always not easy, especially if you did not have time to repent to them or thank them for all the good that was done to you.

"Today I have a lot to do: I need to kill the memory to the end, I need my soul to turn to stone, I need to learn to live again."- Anna Akhmatova.

The hardest thing that each of us can go through is the loss of a loved one.

The grief that befell a person, which is incomparable with anything. Most often, it comes suddenly, when it is not expected. When a person loses the closest person, the earth seems to slip out from under his feet.

Life loses its meaning. And from that moment on, life is divided Before and After.

I wrote this article because I experienced it myself. While studying to be a family psychologist, I chose the topic of the diploma, which was the most difficult for me. Having written my diploma, I worked through my grief: my mother died ten years ago and only now, after so many years, I was able to let her go and continue to live on. Of course, psychologists from the Center where I studied helped me. And now I myself help people to live through the grief of the loss of loved ones.

I hope this article can help you in some way.

"We mourn the one we have lost, but we should rejoice at what we had at all."- C.J. Wells. "Death is a neutral event that we used to paint in the color of fear."- I. Yalom.

Death is an integral part of that common family in which the person lives. Death is a biological event that ends life. This life event has a strong emotional impact on a person's thinking and causes the greatest emotional reactivity in the behavior of people around.

Loss syndrome(sometimes it is usually called "acute grief") - these are strong emotions experienced as a result of the loss of a loved one. "The loss can be temporary (separation) or permanent (death), real or imagined, physical or psychological"(Izard, 1999).

Strong emotions experienced by a person when he is deprived of a loved one as a result of his death are called grief.

Grief- it is also the process by which a person works with the pain of loss, regaining a sense of balance and fullness of life. While sadness is the predominant emotion of loss, there are also emotions of fear, anger, guilt, and shame.

Grief- the process is necessary, and it cannot be considered a manifestation of weakness, since this is the way through which a person recovers from a tangible loss.

Allocate three risk level in situations of grief (Olifirovich N.I. "Psychology of family crises"):

1. Minimal risk. Family members openly express their feelings, provide support to each other and accept it from the extended family, friends, neighbors. The ability to identify problems and find ways to solve them remains.
2. Average risk. The grief reaction is complicated: some family members may experience depressive reactions; the family does not accept support. These reactions can be complicated in the case of numerous previous losses, unresolved conflicts with the deceased.
3. High risk. Family members may develop eccentric (rude, violent) behavior; severe depression; attempts and threats of suicide; drug or alcohol abuse; severe insomnia. Situations of complete absence of manifestation of grief in the family belong to the same category.

In the case of medium and high risk, the family needs the help of specialists: family psychologists, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, social worker.

Death disrupts the functional balance of the family. The intensity of the emotional reaction is determined by the functional level of the family's emotional integration at the moment or the functional importance of the member who has died. The amount of time it takes for a family to restore emotional balance depends on the emotional integration in the family and the intensity of the disturbance.

Most often, after the death of a significant family member, a "Wave of emotional shock" occurs - this is a network of hidden shocks (a series of important life events) that can occur at any link in the extended family system over the course of months or even years. "Death is not always equally hard for the family, it happens that death brings relief to the family, and it is followed by a more prosperous period."(M. Bowen).

As long as the work remains unfinished, tension remains in us and we are inaccessible for anything else.

Stages of mourning, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying", who has worked all her life with the dying and their loved ones, identified 7 stages of mourning:

1. Shock, a sharp breakdown.
2. Denial, Denial, rejection of reality "It can't be, this is not happening to me."
3. Anger, protest, indignation "It's unfair, why did this happen to me / him / her? !!"
4. Bargaining, an attempt to make a deal with fate.
5. Fear, Depression Loss of interest in life.
6. Acceptance of humility. A person who has had enough time for internal work and who has received the help you need, reaches the stage of acceptance. Clarity and newfound peace.
7. There is hope throughout all the stages.

The purpose of the "work of grief" (Lindemann Erich, 1984) is to live through him, become independent from loss, adapt to a changed life and find new relationships with people and the world.

Exist multiple forms Complicated Loss Syndrome (Mokhovikov, 2001):

1. Chronic grief. In this most common form, the experience of loss is permanent, and integration of loss does not occur... Among the signs, longing for a person with whom there was a close emotional connection prevails. Even after many years, the slightest reminder of the loss is intense.
2. Conflict (exaggerated) grief. One or more signs of loss are distorted or excessively feelings of guilt and anger are intensified, forming a vicious circle of contrasting experiences, interfering with coping with grief and delaying the passage of an acute period. The exit can be achieved through euphoric states, turning into prolonged depression with ideas of self-blame.
3. Suppressed (masked) grief. There is little or no grief. Instead, somatic complaints appear, signs of the disease noted in the deceased, with the subsequent development of prolonged hypochondria. For example, states of "cluster headache" are described, which can last for several months and consist of many separate attacks. There is no awareness of their connection to loss.
4. Unexpected grief. The suddenness makes it nearly impossible to accept and integrate the loss. Their development is delayed, intense feelings of anxiety, self-blame and depression prevail, complicating daily life. The emergence of thoughts of suicide and its planning is very characteristic.
5. Grief set aside. His experience is postponed for a long time. Immediately after the loss, emotional manifestations arise, but then the "work of grief" stops. In the future, a new loss or a reminder of the previous one triggers the mechanism of experience. When visiting a doctor, a person repeatedly talks about the loss. At home, she does not want to change anything, part with expensive things, or, on the contrary, seeks to completely change her life (change the environment, apartment, sometimes the city).
6. Absent grief. With this form, there are no external manifestations, as if there were no loss at all. The person completely denies it or remains in a state of shock.

Recently, the view on work with loss syndrome proposed by J. Worden. Vorden's concept, although not the only one, now remains the most popular among people working with loss (Sidorova, 2001).

It is very convenient for diagnosing and dealing with actual grief, as well as if you have to deal with a feeling of loss that was not experienced many years ago and was revealed during therapy started for a completely different reason.

A variant of the description of the reaction of loss is proposed not by stages or phases, but through four tasks, which must be performed by burning during the normal course of the process. These tasks, in fact, are similar to those that a child solves as he grows up and separates from his mother.

The first task is recognition of the fact of loss. When someone dies, even if they are expected to die, it is normal to feel like nothing has happened. Therefore, first of all, you need to recognize the fact of loss, to realize that your loved one has died, he left and will never return. This "lookup" behavior is aimed at reconnecting. Normally, this behavior should be replaced by behavior aimed at refusing to communicate with the deceased. The opposite behavior is often encountered - denial of what happened. If a person does not overcome denial, then the "work of grief" is blocked at the earliest stages. Denial can be used at different levels and take different forms, but usually includes either denial of the fact of loss, or its significance, or irreversibility.

Denial of the fact of loss can range from a mild disorder to severe psychotic forms, when a person spends several days in an apartment with a deceased person before noticing that he has died.

The more common and less pathological form of denial has been called "mummification." In such cases, the person preserves everything as it was with the deceased, so that he is always ready for his return. An even easier form of denial is when a person “sees” the deceased in someone else - for example, a widowed woman sees her husband in her grandson.

Another way people avoid the reality of loss is denial of significance loss. In this case, they say something like: "We weren't close", "He was a bad father" or "I don't miss him." Sometimes people hastily remove all the personal belongings of the deceased, all that can remind of him is the opposite of mummification behavior. In this way, bereaved people protect themselves from facing the reality of loss. Those who exhibit this behavior are at risk of developing pathological reactions of loss.

Another manifestation of denial is "selective forgetting". In this case, the person forgets something about the deceased.

The third way to avoid realizing loss is denial of irreversibility of loss... A variation of this behavior is passion for spiritualism. The irrational hope of reuniting with the deceased is normal in the first weeks after the loss, when the behavior is aimed at restoring the connection, but if this hope becomes stable it is not normal.

The second task of grief is to relive the pain of loss. This means that you need to go through all the difficult feelings that accompany the loss.

If the grieving person cannot feel and live through the pain of loss, which is always there, it must be identified and worked through with the help of a therapist, otherwise the pain will manifest itself in other forms, for example, through psychosomatics or behavioral disorders.

Pain responses vary from person to person, and not everyone experiences pain of the same intensity. The grieving person often breaks contact not only with external reality, but also with internal experiences. The pain of loss is not always felt, sometimes the loss is experienced as apathy, lack of feelings, but it must be worked through.

This task is made more difficult by those around you. Often, people nearby feel discomfort from severe pain and feelings of the grieving person, they do not know what to do with it, and consciously or unconsciously inform him: "You mustn't grieve"... This unspoken wish of others often interacts with the bereaved's own psychological defenses, leading to a denial of the necessity or inevitability of the grief process. Sometimes it is even expressed in the following words: "I shouldn't cry about him" or: "I mustn't grieve", "Now is not the time to grieve"... Then the manifestations of grief are blocked, there is no reaction and emotions do not come to their logical conclusion.

Avoiding the second task achieved in different ways. It could be negation of pain or other excruciating feelings. In other cases, it may be avoiding painful thoughts... For example, only positive, "pleasant" thoughts about the deceased can be allowed, up to complete idealization. It is possible to avoid all kinds of memories of the deceased. Some people start using alcohol or drugs for this purpose. Others use the "geographic mode" —interrupted travel or continuous work with great stress that prevents them from thinking about anything other than their daily routines. People need to solve this difficult task, to open up and live the pain without collapsing. It must be lived in order not to carry it throughout life. Failure to do so will make it harder and harder to return to these experiences later than if you immediately relive them. Delayed experiencing of pain is also more difficult because if the pain of loss is experienced after a long time, the person can no longer receive the sympathy and support from others who usually appear immediately after the loss and who help to cope with grief.

The next task that the grieving must deal with is organization of the environment where the absence of the deceased is felt. When a person loses a loved one, he loses not only the object to which feelings are addressed and from which feelings are obtained, he loses a certain way of life. The deceased loved one participated in everyday life, demanded the performance of some actions or certain behavior, the performance of any roles, and took on some of the responsibilities. And it goes away with him. This emptiness must be filled, and life must be organized in a new way..

Organizing a new environment means different things to different people, depending on the relationship in which they were with the deceased, and on the roles that the deceased played in their lives. The grieving person may not be aware of this. Even if the client is not aware of the role of the deceased, the therapist needs to outline for himself what the client has lost and how this can be replenished. Sometimes it is worth discussing this with the client. Often the client spontaneously begins to do this himself during the session. The grieving person must acquire new skills. The family can provide support in purchasing them. Often, the grieving person develops new ways to overcome the difficulties that have arisen and new opportunities open up before him, so that the fact of loss is reformulated into something that also has a positive meaning. This is a common option for successfully completing the third task.

The last, fourth, task is build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue living. The solution to this fourth problem does not presuppose either oblivion or absence of emotions, but only their restructuring. Emotional attitude to the deceased must be changed in such a way that there is an opportunity to continue living, to enter into new emotionally rich relationships.

Sometimes people think that if their emotional connection with the deceased is weakened, then by doing so they will offend his memory and this will be a betrayal. In some cases, there may be a fear that a new close relationship may also end and have to go through the pain of loss again - this happens especially often if the feeling of loss is still fresh. In other cases, the fulfillment of this task may be opposed by the close environment, for example, children, may protest in the event of a new attachment in a widowed mother. Resentment is often behind this: the mother has found a replacement for her deceased husband, and for the child there is no replacement for the deceased father. Or vice versa - if one of the children has found a partner for himself, the widowed parent may have protest, jealousy, the feeling that the son or daughter is going to lead a full life, and the father or mother is left alone. This is culturally supported, especially in women. The behavior of the "faithful widow" is approved by society.

This task is hindered by a ban on new love, fixation on a past relationship or avoidance of the opportunity to face the loss of a loved one again. All of these barriers are usually tinged with guilt.

A sign that this task is not being solved, the grief does not subside and the period of mourning does not end, there is often a feeling that “life stands still,” “I don’t live after his death,” anxiety grows. The completion of this task can be considered the emergence of the belief that it is possible to love another person - the love for the deceased did not diminish from this.

The moment that can be considered the end of mourning is not obvious. Some authors call specific time frames - a month, a year or two. However, it is impossible to define a specific period during which the experience of loss will unfold. It can be considered complete when the bereaved person takes all four steps, solves all four problems of grief. A sign of this is the ability to address most of the feelings not to the deceased, but to other people, to be receptive to new impressions and life events, the ability to talk about the deceased without severe pain. Sadness remains, it is natural when a person speaks or thinks about someone he loved and lost, but this is already calm, "bright" sadness. "The work of grief" is completed when the one who has experienced the loss is again able to lead a normal life, he feels adapted, when there is an interest in life, new roles have been mastered, a new environment has been created and he can function in it adequately to his social status and character ...

How to cope with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But one cannot do without valuable advice from experienced psychologists.

It is unlikely that there is a person on this planet who wants to have grief, troubles, problems in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it contains everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.

A person who has not experienced a single black day in his life is a real lucky one. Of course, there are those types for whom troubles, problems and the loss of loved ones are an empty phrase. But, fortunately, there are an insignificant number of such among us. Most likely, they do, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants of the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones. And if this happened, they suffered as much as all ordinary people.

Experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some of them suffer a lot, they are ready to take their own lives. Another steadfastly endures the twists and turns of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first is badly needed psychological help... After all, it is not in vain that after plane and ship crashes, major car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to the relatives of the missing, the dead.

Without them, a person simply does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: "How to live further?", "This is the end of everything!" and other dramatic phrases. Human psychologists may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.

Symptoms of Human Grief

When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we grieve and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that there is no point in living further, or without the presence of the dear for us, the departed something important, irreplaceable. Someone suffers for several days, other weeks, third months.

But there is such a loss that they grieve all their lives. And everyone knows the saying "Time heals!" not always appropriate. How can a wound heal from the loss of a child, loved one, brother, sister? This is impossible! It seems to be a little tightened on top, but inside it continues to bleed.

But grief also has its own characteristics. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relations with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed a strange phenomenon. A woman's child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys food in order to arrange a commemoration, goes to the cemetery, selects a place, etc. It seems that this moment is the same as the others - when you had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is in a black headscarf and is sad.

But do not immediately accuse such women of "thick skin". Psychologists have a term "delayed, delayed grief." That is, it does not immediately overtake some people. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let's study its symptoms:

1. A sharp change in the state of the psyche - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels himself in unreality, the speed of his emotional reaction grows. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking and constantly thinking about the departed person.
2. Physical problems. Depletion of strength occurs, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
3. Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, suffering after him, he constantly thinks about what could have saved him, did not do everything in his power, was inattentive to him, rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and seeks confirmation that it was possible to bypass death.
4. Hostility. If a loved one is lost, a person can become angry. He does not tolerate society, does not want to see anyone, he answers questions rudely, boldly. He can even attack children who pester them with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but it is not worth judging him either. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are close and help to cope with household chores and children.
5. The usual way of behavior is changing. If earlier a person was calm, collected, then at the moment of difficulties he can start to fuss, do everything wrong, disorganized, talk a lot or, on the contrary, be constantly silent.
6. The adopted manner. After the death of a long-ill person, his loved ones, especially those who were at the bed of the deceased, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, up to the symptomatology.
7. With the loss of a person dear to the heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, the world turn from bright and colorful to gray, black tones. The psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased, becomes shallow, insignificant. I don't want to hear or see anyone. After all, none of those around him understands what actually happened for the sufferer. Everyone tries to calm down, distract, give advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
8. Also, at the moment of suffering, psychological time space is compressed. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. At normal times, we draw in our thoughts the pictures that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then they necessarily include the one who was lost. As for the present time, the sufferer does not even think about it - there is simply no sense in it. Rather, it is a dark moment, which I do not want to remember. The only thing that a person desires in moments of grief is “I would rather wake up from this nightmare. It feels like I'm having a terrible dream. "

In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, the man left alone goes into his world and he does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, friends, friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand what the power of loss is. From childhood, men are taught that they should be restrained, not show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about, cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the strong floor plunges headlong into work, and so that there is no “trace” of free time left.

Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They literally have a wet pillow, because they no longer have someone they loved, with whom they shared both joy and sorrow. She remains without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if it is also a family with children, then the woman is in a real panic - “the breadwinner is gone, how can I raise the children now? How to feed them? What to wear? " Etc.

Stages of grief

When loss comes, we are shocked. Even if the deceased was sick for a long time, was very old, we still in our hearts do not agree with his departure. And this can be explained very simply.

None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born, if in any case we are dying? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? The fear of death frightens us even more - no one has yet returned from there and told - what is this death, what a person feels at the moment of leaving the other world, what awaits him there.

So, initially we experience a shock, then, realizing that the person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already said that some of them quite calmly organize funerals and commemorations. And from the outside it seems that the person is very resilient and has a strong will. In fact, he is in a state of daze. His head is confused and he does not know what is happening around and how to accept what happened.

1. In psychology, there is the term "depersonalization". Some in moments of loss seem to detach from themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
2. Part of the people with the onset of grief immediately cries, sobs. This can last up to a week, but then they realize - what really happened. Here panic attacks come into play, which is difficult to cope with - a psychologist and help from relatives are needed.

As a rule, an acute feeling of loss, grief lasts from about five weeks to three months, and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion in their lives. As for the majority who have been grieving for several months, they experience the following phenomena:

Longing, strong cravings and constant thoughts of the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns the loss has dreams in which the deceased person necessarily appears. In wakefulness, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says something, does, laughs, jokes. Initially, the sufferer constantly cries, but over time, the suffering gradually goes away and calms down.

Belief in the non-existent. A frequent companion of moments of grief is the illusion created by the sufferer himself. A suddenly opened window, noise, a dropped photo frame due to a draft and other phenomena are perceived as signs and it is often said that the deceased is walking, does not want to “leave”.

The whole reason is that most do not want to "let go" of the deceased and hope to keep in touch with him. The belief that the deceased is still around is so strong that auditory, visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people begin to talk with the object of their suffering imagination, ask something and it seems to them that the deceased is answering them.

Depression. Almost half of those who have lost a loved one, a person dear to the heart and soul, have a common symptomatic triad: mood is suppressed, sleep is disturbed and tearfulness sets in. They can sometimes be joined by symptoms such as a sharp and strong weight loss, rapid fatigue, a feeling of anxiety, fear, indecision, meaninglessness of being, a complete loss of interests, a strong sense of one's own guilt.

That is, all these are signs of a banal, from which it will be quite difficult to get out on your own. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. Bereavement can provoke such a condition, followed by depression, which can be treated with special methods and drugs.

Often, when a very dear and beloved person leaves the life, one of the loved ones may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of meaning in life and fear of living without one thing. A strong sense of one's own guilt, the desire to be closer to the beloved (beloved) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, feelings of grief can grow threefold.

There is a type of people who become very energetic after bereavement. They are constantly "on their feet", cooking something, cleaning, driving, doing various jobs. That is, we can say about them “cannot sit still”. Some women, after leaving their husbands, can visit his grave every day and call him back. They look at the pictures, think and remember the old days.

This can last from several months to years. There will always be one or more graves in the cemetery with fresh flowers every day. This suggests that a person continues to mourn the departed even after years.

Also, do not be surprised that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This happens especially often with parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, are angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. In this case, it is necessary to gain patience and wisdom, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and take themselves "in hand".

Bereavement - Atypical Symptoms

Strange, inappropriate types of responses are more likely to occur with loss in women. Men are more resistant and restrained. No, this does not mean that they do not worry, they just keep everything "in themselves." An atypical reaction occurs immediately:

• numbness lasts about 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
• pronounced alienation, a person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
• a powerful sense of guilt and an incredible hostility towards everyone around him "sits" in a person. Hypochondria similar to that of the deceased may develop. For an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide may increase two and a half times within a year after the loss. Especially one should be close to the sufferer on the anniversary of his death. There is also a high risk of dying from somatic diseases within six months after the death of a person.

Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed response to a sad event. Complete denial that a person has died, an apparent absence of suffering and worries.

An atypical reaction does not arise just like that and it is due to the peculiarities of the human psyche and such circumstances as:

1. The death of a loved one came suddenly, because she was not expected.
2. The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
3. Relations with another person who had gone into the world were not easy, hostile, sharp.
4. Death touched the child.
5. The sufferer has already suffered a severe loss, and most likely the sad event happened in childhood.
6. There is no support when there are no relatives or relatives nearby who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even help physically with the organization of the funeral, etc.

How to get over grief

Immediately you need to decide whether you or your loved one have experienced grief, and if misfortune has touched you, then assess your condition. Yes, the death of a dear person is the most terrible thing that can be in this life, but you still have to live on, no matter how trite it may sound. "What for? What is the point?". This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, loved one. Here, most likely, the following point will help.

We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves atheists still hope in their souls that there are higher forces, thanks to which life began on the planet. So, according to the Bible (and it does not teach anything bad, it contains a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in paradise as a result.

That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Attend church, because the Lord does not wish bad for anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what will begin to happen in your soul.

Don't be alone. This way you will suffer much less. Chat with your friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will return to normal. Communicating with those who have also experienced loss is especially effective. You will be given useful tips about what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain gradually goes away. You will understand that all the moments that arose after the loss - a strong feeling of guilt, a desire to part with life, hatred of others are inherent in other people, you are no exception.

Traditional treatments

And now to practical advice... If a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication - sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the sessions of the psychotherapist, the patient from beginning to end (no matter how hard it is) goes through the stages of his grief. And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.

Many of us are reluctant to get rid of our grief. Some believe that in this way they remain faithful to the departed, and if they begin to live, they will betray them. This is wrong! On the contrary, remember how the one who passed away treated you. Would he really be pleased to see your long suffering? One hundred percent he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honor their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and heal from the pain.

In our suffering, we most of all show our selfishness. And let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than yours, and maybe more. Look around, be next to the one with whom you are obliged to share the grief. So there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, bouts of pain, anger, sadness, anger.

For those who have witnessed a person's grief, it is also necessary to take certain steps, and not contemplate with indifference to suffering.

1. Help physically, because funeral and suffering take a lot of energy. Therefore, it is important to help the person to put things in order in the house. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
2. It is not necessary to allow the sufferer to be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do everything with him - let him be distracted.
3. Try to take him outside, communicate, but do not be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that physically everything is in order with him, but there is no need to talk about the moral yet.
4. You do not need to force a person to hold back, if tears are flowing, let him cry.
5. If the sufferer becomes numb - give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that quietly, silently destroys him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown is possible. There were times when in such a state a person simply went crazy.
6. Change the course of his mood, if he is constantly crying - shout at him, blame him for what. Think of some nonsense that made you angry at him. If there are no such memories, come up with them. And most importantly - arrange a hysteria, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down, apologize.
7. Talk to him about who died. A person needs to speak out, it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
8. Conversations on any topic should be interesting for you. So, from day to day, first short, then longer moments will arise, at which the sufferer will begin to forget about the pain. In time, life will take its toll, and the grief will be transferred.
9. When communicating, do not interrupt your friend, now his mental state is important, and not your difficulties and problems.
10. Do not try to be offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly gets angry or does not want to communicate with you anymore. Here, the fault is not in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will still have a lot of moments with sudden mood swings, sadness, longing and unwillingness to see anyone. Be patient and wait a little, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit your friend again on a fictitious occasion.

The loss of a person is the most terrible thing that can happen in our life, and no matter how indignant we may be about this, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something different - to remain human even in moments of extreme grief. Maintain your "face", continue to adhere to moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around is to blame for the fact that a tragic event happened to you.

In the life of every person, sooner or later this day comes - the day of the death of a loved one, dear person. This loss is so strong that it leaves indelible scars on the soul. Our memory constantly returns to that day and brings more suffering and pain. Tears flow both inward and outward, life loses all meaning, the desire to do something disappears.

How more degree the closeness of the deceased and his influence on the life of the grieving person, the more difficult it is to come to terms with the loss. Fundamental changes in the way of life are coming, and every thing will serve as a reminder. Coping with your feelings alone is sometimes not possible. Help in this case can be provided by relatives or a qualified psychologist, psychotherapist.

What determines the severity of experiences

All people react differently to the loss of loved ones. An important role in this is played by the nature of the relationship with the deceased. Normal grief lives with those people who have been in good relationship with the deceased. The reaction to stress can be acute and painful, but after a while, a person resigns himself to the loss and begins to live fully on. But if the relationship was bad, accompanied by quarrels, resentments, innuendo and misunderstanding, then the experience is much stronger. It goes on increasing every day, slowly but surely.

The grieving person begins to twist their relationship in their thoughts more and more often, trying to understand where he was wrong and why they never managed to make up. Over time, a persistent feeling of guilt and remorse for what was never said and done can form.

The age hierarchy also affects the acuteness of feelings. The younger the deceased, the stronger the feeling of grief and sorrow will be. We have been preparing for the death of grandparents and parents since childhood. I mean, over the years, we begin to understand more and more clearly that they are likely to leave before us. This is life, and we can more easily come to terms with it.

When death overtakes one of the spouses, the bitterness of loss is experienced more sharply. Firstly, they were close in soul and body, lived side by side for many years. Secondly, they could not guess who would die earlier, because the age difference is insignificant. The biggest grief was and remains - the loss of children. In this case, the unspoken law of nature is violated, which says that those who were born earlier should be the first to leave. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that a child has died, who would still live and live.

An equally important role in the experience of loss is played by the nature of death, that is, it was sudden or expected. Emotional preparedness is essential for a calmer, more adequate acceptance of loss. It is formed due to the realization that the person will soon be gone. This happens, for example, when it overtakes serious illness or deep old age. Surely, each of us has in stock words that we are unable to utter at the moment. They are usually put off for later. If you do not have time to pronounce them, then they will remain hanging on your soul with a heavy burden of innuendo. This happens if loved ones leave suddenly. The effect of surprise with fear and fear is also superimposed.

The acuteness of the experience can be influenced by the cause of death. The more unpredictable it is, the more terrible and painful it is. Previous experience of loss plays a role in the experience. From time to time a person learns to better cope with his grief, he is familiar with this feeling and knows how to behave better.

Normal and pathological forms of grief

Feeling grief, depression, longing, sadness is as normal as feeling joy and happiness. The main thing is that the depressing emotions should not be too long, otherwise they will begin to destroy the human psyche.

Normally, the experience of losing a loved one lasts for about one year, which can be figuratively divided into several periods. The first period is the news of death. Lasts from a few minutes to several days. At this time, a person may be in a state of numbness, shock. The mind does not want to believe in the death of a loved one. The second period can be called the search phase. Duration up to 3 - 4 weeks.

A person tries to find the departed in his memories, as before he waits for his arrival, news, call, looking out for similar faces in the crowd. The third period is associated with the greatest suffering and lasts up to 7 weeks. At this time, the person comes to the realization that everything is irrevocable. And finally, the fourth period is mourning and a gradual return to normal life. Lasts up to a year.

It is believed that during this time a person goes through the entire life cycle alone, without the deceased, learns to cope without him. After that, the departed takes a special place in the soul, and thoughts about him cease to be so sad and sad as before.

But sometimes the process of mourning is disturbed and over time it can only intensify. This can be indicated by experiences that lasted for many years, mental disorders, imbalance and intemperance in relation to others. A person can lose a lot of weight or, conversely, gain weight dramatically.

In severe cases, there may be a persistent craving for alcohol, thoughts of suicide. In such a position, a person needs help, even if he thinks differently. Support from relatives and friends is important.

A person requires increased attention during the period of experience of loss. He needs to speak out, hear advice and words of support. Here, only sometimes the first period is delayed, a person is in a state of shock for a long time and cannot fully comprehend and believe in what happened. Therefore, he does not always go to frank conversations, he closes himself, moves away from everyone. One should approach him very delicately, one should not immediately try to get into his soul. The main thing is to be more close to him.

If there personal experience losses, then you can tell the person about him, how you dealt with this, how you felt. This will help him understand that he is not the only one experiencing such strong emotions. A psychologist can also cope with the problem, a specialist knows well which side to approach a person, with which words to start a conversation. It will help you find the strength to return to a fulfilling life.

You need to be strong and remember that there will always be someone for the sake of whom it is still worth living, with whom you want to rejoice, share impressions and feelings.