To lose yourself not to lose. How not to lose yourself in a difficult situation? The farther, the closer

They say love blinds. When you meet the only one who breaks and the heart, and the mind, from which the eyes glimpse, are you ready to do everything to keep these relationships. EVERYTHING. And this may lead to the fact that a strong, independent, confident woman simply loses himself in relationships. His personality. Your dreams. Your drive. Friends. Beliefs. Everything changes. For the sake of a man. For love.

Of course, ultimately, all relationships require some kind of compromise or even the victims, but not the same to give it to this. And it is dangerous not only from the point of view that when suddenly it will not be a relationship, you will not become. Even if you are together forever, you will not be happy.

Assembled a few tips, how not to lose ourselves in the relationship:

1. Do not forget what makes you. Your personality, your quirks that you like and do not like - all this is yours and do not need to change it and adjust to another person. You will be much more interesting to each other if you are different and share it with each other, and not try to be similar.

2. Invest in yourself and your hobbies. Your time and money are finite, therefore you need to be wisely used. Any relationship take part of this, but not all. Invest in your career, development, education, health, hobbies.

3. Assign yourself a date. Allocate the time for yourself: one evening only for yourself your beloved and beloved classes. Maybe you want to watch a movie, as before, when there was one, ride a bike - in general, do what makes you happy, regardless of your status of relationships.

Learn to be one - this is one of the most useful skills. This should be a sacred time for himself, which no one should take away.

When you learn to be happy myself, no one will need you. You will be able to freely choose who to divide your happiness and supplement it.

4. Do not forget friends. Even if the guy becomes a true friend for you, it's not a reason to forget about others. About those who can honestly say if your relationship is not healthy.

5. Do not forget about the family, whatever it is. Maintain relationships with natives - it will always remind you what you are real who you are.

6. Clearly defined borders. And remember: borders are not a wall. When two independent people begin relationships, they must establish certain rules, the space required to each other.

7. Meet what you like. This may seem obvious condition, but not always. If a person insists on the fact that you have changed dramatically, then he does not love you true. Loving man Does not want you to lose yourself as a person. Because it is exactly what he loved you.

9. Learn to calmly take the idea that you can part. You can cry, scream, argue chocolate and ice cream, it will be hard. But you should understand that it can be. It is better to lose someone who did not approach you than to choke in bad relationships. You have only one life - do not waste it on those who do not give you to be.

Of course, love requires victims and some changes in herself, but not so much to lose themselves. And remember: one who truly loves you, never wants you to be someone else, and not.

As often happens, it happened: fell in love, I lost my head, dissolved in your love ... And you live no longer with your life, but they. All thoughts about him, desires are associated with him, the interests of those who live, friends too. And where are you in all this? How not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man? How to stay a solid mature person, despite the all-consuming feeling that you are experiencing?

First of all, you need to realize that you do not want to dissolve in this relationship. And then you can keep your hand on the pulse. This is how not to be late for an important meeting because you control time. Or before getting out of the house for an interview, check if you took required documents. When you remember that it is important, it is easier to control the situation. And despite the hot love, a burning passion and everything else, you will know: Need not to shindle!

In other words, it is important to learn how to integrate the mind when the feelings are excavated. In general, ideally there should be harmony. When you give the brazuds of the board with their lives with feelings, you can do a lot of nonsense and then for a very long time to deal with them. When "taxis" only mind, then you will not become truly happy, because in everything you will evaluate the situation soberly, not leaving emotions. And that, and that is bad.

Therefore, in order not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man, you need to learn this balance. Waving between the squalls of feelings and the cold mind, sometimes swimming and analyzed, and what happens in life in general. And adjust, adjust.

Imagine your life is the way that passes big ship. You are from his steering wheel. If you will only do that enjoy the views and catch the rays of the sun on your face, forgetting about the control, you will betray from the course, you will go to the reef or just sunk. If you are constantly in tension peering into the horizon and constantly monitor the instruments, then you will not receive any pleasure from travel. This is once again about the balance sheet. To be clearly.

And now let's talk about the earth. How not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man? What should I do in addition to keeping the balance between mind and feelings?

• Have your own interests. You probably had some interests before exploring this man. So do not make a mistake, do not refuse them. Yes, you now want to see him much more, and not a gym. His, not a girlfriend who complains of his life. His, not creative work. But it is important to take yourself in hand. In addition, you can lose yourself and dissolve completely in a man, you can still lose his interest in you. Why? Yes, because he fell in love with that which you were! In active, purposeful. Or quiet, Domovitui, who reads the swop English literature. If you leave your hobby for the sake of a man, he will not appreciate it! You just can soon become uninteresting him as a person. That's all.
• Keep a small distance. When I want to see him every day? - Tell me. Distance when you fall asleep and wake up with thoughts about him? Yes, dear girls, distance! After all, if you take and get your favorite sweets, can start nauseous. And then they will turn away from them for a long time. And if there is a candy on a day and limit yourself, then the love of candy is preserved for many years. So in a relationship with a man! If he will receive you all and immediately, interest can start fading! Therefore, you need to see not every day. Not every hour. In the bed to jump not in the first month. In love, not immediately explain! And still a lot of nuances.
• Improve. In addition to the fact that we have already considered the point of interest with you, I would like to note that it is important not just to stand in one place and to be exactly what he loved you. And go further, improve, develop. After all, he does not stand still. And a couple for many years can be together if both partners keep up. If one of them stops in their development, interest and sense of love will disappear very quickly. Therefore, do not stand in place, grow!

Already in the first months of relationship, you will notice that there is less time for your hobby. Do you think it is better to spend the evening with him, and manicure and yoga will wait, right? Not! To put my interests on the second place bad and for relationships, and for you: it turns out, you are subordinate to his desires and a schedule, even if you both deny it. It is critical to take care of your personal desires. Therefore, do a manicure, roll on a bike or do the fact that he always postponed. And if I planned something - do not cancel, even if it offers hugs on the sofa. Wait!

2. Comerally communicate with friends

Often, after activating the personal life of a woman almost cease to communicate with friends in real life. It looks not only as disrespect for those with whom she communicated for many years, but he will partly deprive her of their support, and it doesn't matter how cool her new boyfriend is. To this not happened, schedule a regular meeting with friends. And do not ask him if it is possible to go, but put in fame.

3. Ride on the weekend one

If you have long wanted to escape from the city for a weekend, and he is busy or does not really want, - go alone! No need to worry about relationships, use this time for yourself. You will return with a bunch of impressions of new places, food, people, and you will have more to conversations.

4. Watch with your family

Optionally, every time you take it with you when you meet with my parents. It is useful for you to spend time with those who love you, excluding a man. Especially since he may not know all your family stories and jokes and do not share your love for some relatives.

5. Explain to him why you need a personal space

If you start to fulfill all these items, a man can be upset due to the fact that he was moved to the background. And you may seem that you repel it. Explain to him that personal time just strengthens relationships and relieves sad thoughts. But if after a long conversation, he never understands, why do you need all this, makes sense to think about whether you need such relationships in which you gradually lose your personality.

Why not start the goal

It is difficult to find a person who would never have heard in his life that it is very important to set goals. Working a business coach, I myself often give people such advice. Indeed, this is a very correct advice: if you want to achieve something, put the goal. The right goal mobilizes a person, focuses his attention on its achievement. But this is a question, whether it is always necessary to start a goal.

In the universe, the action is primary. Who carefully watched the behavior of children, I will immediately understand me. I have three children, and I, raising them, I see very well that the activity is more important for them. For children's behavior, aimless redundancy of actions is characterized. There is no place for reflections and conscious setting of goals. The result of the child's actions for the child is unpredictable. Therefore, children are not afraid to make mistakes. Acting randomly, the child learns the main thing: to act in the situation of uncertainty. This is exactly the skill often lacks adults.

Do not be afraid to act and make mistakes

Consciousness goes after experience. First, the action, then the result, and only then the possibility of aware of the action for conscious (with the purpose) of action appears. In the process of coaching, I often come across the situation that the person is overloaded with the goals.

Once I worked with a girl who fought with an inferiority complex. Being quite successful in the professional sphere, she acutely suffered from the fact that "lived someone else's life." It was the thing that she spent all her strength to fit the expectations of his very powerful mother. Despite the fact that she put the goals and reached them, she was a deeply unhappy man. Than adult man, the more definite world he seeks to live. And it is in this that the trap of awareness lies. Adults are different from children by the fact that often too much strength and time spend on setting goals, seek everything to calculate in such a way as to be guaranteed to avoid failure.

The goal should withdraw a person beyond his picture of the world.

One of my familiar, unfortunately, does not see anything besides his children. Her whole world rotates only around her children and their interests. The paradox is that her children are bored with such a mom. She puts all his strength in children, but instead of gratitude they are just Hamyat. Subconsciously, her children want to break out beyond the world's picture of their mom.

People often put goals only as part of their painting in the world. As part of the painting of the world, which is formed by their experience. But acting on the basis of the previous experience - it means only to be approved in the correctness of your picture of the world. The picture of the world is therefore a picture, which reflects not the whole world in his versatility, it is just an imprint, which arises as a result of life experience.

The real purpose of life does not put, they are found. This goal arises not as the projection of the previous experience, it displays a person for his borders. Such a goal on one side was not pre-ordered to me, but at the same time it is impossible to say that she is put by me. It can be said that such a goal itself finds a person. In a person, such a goal is the meaning.

The meaning is a goal that makes it possible to feel your value.

The goal is put, the meaning is detected. This is an intimate meeting with the universe.

"A person should not ask what is the meaning of his life, but rather must realize that he himself is the one who addressed the question," said Viktor Frankl.

The meaning is what makes it possible to feel, it is to feel, and not just understand your value. And now it is not possible to say that I achieve the goal, rather found sense prompts me to act. The meaning gives rise to the purpose. The purpose is how I practically act in the world, embodying the acquired meaning.

Here, I also can't help but remember the words of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl: "There is no such situation in the world that would not contain the core of meaning. But a little fill life with meaning, it is necessary to perceive it as a mission, aware of its responsibility for the final result. "

The purpose implies responsibility for the implementation of the meaning

"Everyone has a special calling. Each person is indispensable, and his life is unique. And therefore, the task of each person is as unique, as unique and its ability to fulfill this task. " (Viktor Frank) Find his destination means to respond to the call of the Universe. I am not just an active person, I become an active co-creator of the universe. Acting, I'm not just achieving the goals set, I lead an equal dialogue with the Universe. My life, work, family is an all space for the implementation of the destination.

The search for the meaning of life and the destination begins with the recognition of its total incompetence and limited life experience. Only when I understand that I really don't know anything about the Universe, the Universe is ready to join the dialogue with me. Life becomes space for the implementation of the destination. "There is no such situation in which we would not be granted the life of the opportunity to find a meaning, and there is no such person for whom life would not keep some kind of business." Victor Frank

Source: https://psy-practice.com/publications/prochee/kak_ne_poteryat_sebya_v_potoke_zhizni_tsel_smisl_/ When copying materials, a link to the source is required PSY-PRACTICE.COM

Is it important to set goals? In the universe, the action is primary. Who carefully watched the behavior of children, I will immediately understand me. I have three children, and I, raising them, I see very well that the activity is more important for them. For children's behavior, aimless redundancy of actions is characterized. There is no place for reflections and conscious setting of goals. The result of the child's actions for the child is unpredictable. Therefore, children are not afraid to make mistakes. Acting randomly, the child learns the main thing: to act in the situation of uncertainty. This is exactly the skill often lacks adults. Do not be afraid to act and make mistakes awareness goes after experience. First, the action, then the result, and only then the possibility of aware of the action for conscious (with the purpose) of action appears. In the process of coaching, I often come across the situation that the person is overloaded with the goals. Once I worked with a girl who fought with an inferiority complex. Being quite successful in the professional sphere, she acutely suffered from the fact that "lived someone else's life." It was the thing that she spent all her strength to fit the expectations of his very powerful mother. Despite the fact that she put the goals and reached them, she was a deeply unhappy man. What an adult man, the more definite world he seeks to live. And it is in this that the trap of awareness lies. Adults are different from children by the fact that often too much strength and time spend on setting goals, seek everything to calculate in such a way as to be guaranteed to avoid failure. The goal should withdraw a person beyond his picture of the world one friend, unfortunately, does not see anything except his children. Her whole world rotates only around her children and their interests. The paradox is that her children are bored with such a mom. She puts all his strength in children, but instead of gratitude they are just Hamyat. Subconsciously, her children want to break out beyond the world's picture of their mom. People often put goals only as part of their painting in the world. As part of the painting of the world, which is formed by their experience. But acting on the basis of the previous experience - it means only to be approved in the correctness of your picture of the world. The picture of the world is therefore a picture, which reflects not the whole world in his versatility, it is just an imprint, which arises as a result of life experience. The real purpose of life does not put, they are found. This goal arises not as the projection of the previous experience, it displays a person for his borders. Such a goal on one side was not pre-ordered to me, but at the same time it is impossible to say that she is put by me. It can be said that such a goal itself finds a person. In a person, such a goal is the meaning. The meaning is a goal that makes it possible to feel your value. The goal is put, the meaning is detected. This is an intimate meeting with the universe. "A person should not ask what is the meaning of his life, but rather must realize that he himself is the one who addressed the question," said Viktor Frankl. The meaning is what makes it possible to feel, it is to feel, and not just understand your value. And now it is not possible to say that I achieve the goal, rather found sense prompts me to act. The meaning gives rise to the purpose. The purpose is how I practically act in the world, embodying the acquired meaning. Here, I also can't help but remember the words of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl: "There is no such situation in the world that would not contain the core of meaning. But a little fill life with meaning, it is necessary to perceive it as a mission, aware of its responsibility for the final result. " The purpose implies the responsibility for the implementation of the meaning "everyone has its own particular calling. Each person is indispensable, and his life is unique. And therefore, the task of each person is as unique, as unique and its ability to fulfill this task. " (Viktor Frank) Find his destination means to respond to the call of the Universe. I am not just an active person, I become an active co-creator of the universe. Acting, I'm not just achieving the goals set, I lead an equal dialogue with the Universe. My life, work, family is an all space for the implementation of the destination. The search for the meaning of life and the destination begins with the recognition of its total incompetence and limited life experience. Only when I understand that I really don't know anything about the Universe, the Universe is ready to join the dialogue with me. Life becomes space for the implementation of the destination. "There is no such situation in which we would not be granted the life of the opportunity to find a meaning, and there is no such person for whom life would not keep some kind of business." (Victor Frankl) Tags: coaching, purpose, meaning, purpose Author of publication: Guzeev Dmitry Nikolaevich Contacts: Russia, Moscow Briefly about the author: I spent trainings on personal Growth, enhance efficiency and teamwork. In your trainings, I give the opportunity to get a practical experience, and I do not overload you "useful" those ... Subscribe to new comments on this article: Subscribe Previously no one has left comments yet, become the first.

There is such an expression: "The further, the closer". We often use it in the context of the description of our relations with others. Although we pronounce it with irony, but the grain of truth in this expression is. Landing from people, we tell over them, we lack communication. And from constant flashes before the eyes, the partner does not get closer and relative.

Finding with each other 24 hours a day has nothing to do with true proximity.

Proximity and borders

This proximity occurs when we find a balance in establishing our personal borders, the borders of another person and the common space between us. This is the territory where there is a meeting of two people, each of which has a real idea of \u200b\u200btheir personal boundaries. This is the set of internal beliefs, thoughts, values \u200b\u200band feelings that we are not ready to swap and the integrity of which are ready to defend even the cost of losing intimacy with the other.

It is only our, what we are willing to speak in all that are ready to defend. This is an internal constitution, a set of rules that we proclaim in the world In order for others to know what we are willing to reconcile, but with what is not. Clear personal boundaries are not about egoism and high self-esteem. Here we are talking about self-esteem, which is a strong help for respecting the feelings and opinions of others.

On the contrary, the blurred personal boundaries or absence leads to problems in relationships. Inability to say "no" by others, the desire to please and depreciation own feelings Makes us by the hostage of others and leads to neurotic relations.

Visual example

One day you went to visit a close friend. You were so welcome that he decided to swell from you, and his presence was not burdensome. The next morning, he did not leave, as in the next months. Your home has become his home. A friend's society was pleasant to you, and you enjoyed his presence in your life.

Soon, a friend began to invite their friends to your home. "Nothing terrible, together live more fun," you think. Soon, you note that in your own home you will have little space. Happy holidays, noisy companies will become the usual phenomenon in your home, although you personally prefer the quiet evenings. You will rationalize what is happening and convinced that this is normal, because it could be worse.

It is imperceptible, in your house, guests will take you a room for guests, and may even offer to go to visit to relatives, disperse, so to speak. You stopped being the hostess and decide who and when to let in our territory. And now you have only two ways: either silently tolerate what is happening, or to declare your rights and put the non-crushed guests outside the door, once and forever indicating who is the owner in the house.

In the first case, you will come to your throat, just not to reach others and save a good relationship. Only it is all illusions: the ratio is then good when you and others around them are good when mutual respect is present. If your home go to herd in dirty shoes, then there has been nothing to save.

In the second case, you declare about your feelings, and risk to be incomprehensible. At best, they will twist with the temple with a finger and will be removed the ravis, accusing you in inadequateness. At worst, ignore an unauthorized protest and will never pay attention to your feelings. That the first that the second options will not be returned to the former warm feelings and relationships.

It is difficult for you to understand others, since you yourself vaguely understand your desires and limits permitted against you. It is difficult for you to be natural and boldly declare your borders because of the fear of the rejection. The need for others of others, in acceptance is read in each of your act. You are infected with the conviction of your own inferiority and dependent on someone else's opinion.

We move two main fear: the fear of death and the fear of losing love. All other types of fear are derived from these two. The probability of being rejected makes us forget about own desires in favor of strangers. A constant violation of personal borders makes it suffer, but it is even more terrible to refuse this suffering.

The refusal of suffering will insert the fear of rejection. It is better for us to maintain the illusion of the presence of others in your life than to stay in the void, to live in which we are afraid. We are not ready to meet with your loneliness. It seems to us that loneliness is the lack of people around us, but in fact it is not. Loneliness is the inability to feel self-sufficiency.

Be self-sufficient is to experience happiness from being with yourself. This is a condition when being alone, we feel less lonely than in the presence of people. Without this solid base, it is impossible to achieve true intimacy with another person. It is important to love yourself is definitely. At least for considerations of psychological health: it is inconvenient to live life with an unloved person. Any relationship will repeat the scenario in which the partner is perceived as a straw for the drowning.

How not to lose yourself in a relationship, stay free in a pair, do not go for permanent compromises with you?

A responsibility

We hopefully look at the other, and in the eyes of large letters you read: "Save me from myself. Let these relationships be serious. " Only the seriousness of the relationship is not the other person, but we ourselves. We are looking for seriousness from the other, then how they themselves are protected by phrases: "If destined, then mine will not leave me anywhere." In fact, this approach is at least fierce and irresponsible. This is a way to protect your unwillingness to invest. We are looking for love, believing that we will find it where the other will love us.

Often, after all, how are we ready to show your feelings only when we will guarantee that we are responsible for reciprocity. And otherwise why will I open my soul? That's if he ...., then I .... Bargaining. No love here.

Love is where natural and joy is present. When there are no questions: "Does he need to write SMS first? And what will he think? And if he does not answer? ". You need to breed the fire of love yourself, otherwise we risk all live live in the cold and in relationships without intimacy.

Responsibility in relationships is ready to work a lot on them. If you do not work on relationships, it will be very soon to play them. Paradox, but to play energetically more costly than working.

Refusal of control

Require the partner of absolute sincerity - this is the deprivation of its territory of its own Ya. The desire to control is the invasion of other people's borders. Where there is an insufficient understanding of its own inner borders, it will often be a desire to breaking others. No clear understanding "I'm not me."

Our ability to closely is directly related to the confidence, taking herself and others. Controlling people do not know how to move the flow of life, they cannot trust other people and have difficulty with emotional and physical proximity.

Readiness for a meeting with another

The Union of Men and Women exposes children's matrices and complexes. When romantic love retreats, we meet with another truly. We begin to notice the shortcomings, we feel deceived and blame the man in the fact that he became the one who was always. To accept the disadvantages of the other, you first need to take yourself with all the shadow sides of our soul. The battle with his own shadow is the suppression of its negative feature and disgust to those who also possesses.

The inability to experience their feelings in the presence of another destroys the proximity. Allow the other to be different means refuse to remake intention, correct or change something in it. In mature relations I have another. Mutual differences are value. There is an opportunity to be in a relationship, be different, and also take this right after another. Do not come to horror from mutual differences, but refers to them with curiosity, as a new experience.

In such a union, I admit the right to be different, as well as your right to be myself. This means the ability to make the difference between the other, as well as see in them opportunities for rapprochement. This is a refusal of projections and illusions. The other is not a set of functions that satisfy your needs, but a separate person with only him values, views and beliefs.

Naturality

Allowing to remain the one who he always was, it is important to remain. Not seem to be. Our self-esteem is an ambitious opinion of others about us. These are other people's thoughts and estimates that we have infected in deep childhood. A small child has no self-esteem, he does not know good he or bad. For the first time he meets with him through a close environment. And it is on the border of the first contacts with environmental The first social feelings appear: shame, wines, fear.

It is aggravated by position when we start compared with others. It was then that we get a powerful promise: being bad. But if you pretend to pretend a little or try to match someone else's expectations, then the probability of being rejected will be less.

Children's and parental relationships are built on hard subordination of younger seniors. If in childhood was not interested in our opinion, they did not ask what we like, and what is not, then most likely, being adults, we will not understand yourself and our feelings. A frequent change of desires, life goals, endless search for yourself is a manifestation of what we have not met with you and did not know themselves natural. And it is unlikely that someone will be able to guess our desires if we do not fully realize them.

Being natural is to be able to feel your desires and follow them. To be natural is to make a decision, guided by the criteria "I want, I do not want." Compromises with me, hidden feelings and unspoken emotions sooner or later will be the cause of difficulties in relationships. Allow yourself to live next to others, opening your hidden feelings, readiness to talk soul and show your vulnerability, to be natural allows us to get closer to each other. Being in harmony with them, we create harmony around us.

Ability to be alone

If the Love Center is within us, we no longer need crutches in the form of dependent relationships. We no longer need to save, since alone we take force and merge with the source of love.

Once I thought for a long time over the theme of loneliness and after the repeated repetition of this word replaced the amazing semantics. Loneliness is one Father. Being alone is not to be in isolation and not feel abandoned. Be alone - meaning being alone with the Creator, with a powerful source of energy, and the ability to contemplate their inner world. This is an opportunity to get acquainted with you entirely, hear your feelings, enter into a dialogue with those parts, I once were ousted from our life. Love for yourself alone - an indicator of the ability to love others.

The farther, the closer

We are not talking about a particular distance between us, expressed in kilometers. Proximity is not a state, but the process of informed life.

Being close and at the same time free in relationships - this means not to dissolve in the relationship, thereby losing their own taste. Do not try to merge and turn into one whole, depriving yourself and other personal space.

Proximity is not when we suffocate, squeezing each other with death addictions. We are approaching each other close, then we are moving away. We are alleged because we feel that we can suffocate and there is a need to breathe a sip of freedom and feel self-sufficient without binding to anyone. It is closer because we strive for the exchange of energy, but so as not to lose yourself, not forgetting everything, with the ability to always return to yourself.

How to start life with pure sheet and find yourself? You will know this on the legendary live training of Itzhak Pintosievich "™"! Come and reboot your life!