Couldn't cope with emotions. How to properly deal with painful emotions and experiences? Oh these patterns

There are days when you are sleep deprived, depressed, exhausted from unbearable stress, and to such an extent that it seems to you that you are about to lose all patience and break loose. However, do not despair! Check out eight simple and effective ways helping to cope with negative emotions and find your "inner Zen".

1. Realize that your emotions are completely natural.

As a child, you've probably learned more than once that showing negative emotions is not socially acceptable behavior. "Big girls don't cry", "Cry - I'll give you a roll" - remember? “Actually, the expression of emotion is pure physiology,” says Jude Bijou, family therapist, educator and author. scientific work"Reconstructing relationships to build a better life." - “At the heart of all negative emotions are“ three whales ”- anger, sadness and fear. Their manifestation is a completely normal practice, even for absolutely healthy people. "

2. In any situation, you can apply "plan B"

"Tantrums, crises and even 'brother fights' are inevitable," says Nicole Napper, Licensed Professional Clinical Consultant and author of Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Stories of How My Kids Love Me Even When I'm Out with mind. " “But if you take everything into account and plan for the future, you can prepare in advance for such difficult situations. For example, here are some ideas: put your capricious baby in the bath - and let yourself scream and scandal until you are completely exhausted. Or go to the park, take a walk, relax, listen to the birdsong until your "obsession" dries up by itself. "

3. Tune in to expectations based on reality.

If you are trying to be the perfect mom and strictly follow all the recommendations coming from different sides, then the only thing that awaits you is disappointment. Instead of following all third-party advice, rethink your situation and take those actions that are currently relevant to your family.

4. Don't sit back

Inevitably, you have to stay at home with your children, because the day turned out to be cloudy and rainy? In this case, try to involve children in any activity, occasionally taking breaks for 20 minutes to read a magazine, take a bath, or call a friend. “Do something anyway. If an activity supports you and makes you feel more comfortable, start it without hesitation, ”advises Nicole Napper.

5. Laugh, use your sense of humor

According to a recent study at the University of Oxford, laughter triggers an additional release of endorphins, thereby significantly improving mood. Sometimes it even helps relieve pain. "Having fun from the heart in a difficult or even hopeless situation is quite normal," says Napper. "And continuing to" wind up "yourself is like setting yourself up for complete defeat."

6. Let off steam

Have you already made sure that counting to 10 and deep breaths and breaths do not help you to cope with your emotions at all? Then get rid of the destructive energy by physical means - stomp your feet, slam doors, punch the mattress with your fists, or just shout "Wow!" If you are sad and sad - allow yourself to cry. Instead of aggravating your fear, trying in every way to control and keep it in yourself, shake your whole body, tremble, groan, crawl out of fear on the closet or under the table - whatever, just do not pretend that you feel good and calm. Is there a lot of kids around? Then go to another room or explain to them that you are a little upset at the moment, but it will pass in a couple of minutes.

7. Take everything as it is

It is difficult to discipline your child if you yourself are boiling like a kettle. Better try to accept his behavior as it is (even if it is difficult at the moment). This will give you at least some chance of communication, and you will gently transfer the emotional state of the child "on a different track." Orient your thinking towards acceptance rather than unreasonable expectations.

8. Get help

According to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, which is based on the so-called “well-being index,” 28% of mothers who stay at home with children and 17% of working mothers say they are constantly depressed. If you feel that you cannot deal with your negative emotions on your own, seek help from your family, friends, or professionals.

It is no secret that people communicate not only in the language of words, but also in the language of emotions. Often, by the look, facial expressions, gestures of a person, we perfectly understand what is happening to him, even if he does not say anything at the same time. There are five basic emotions- interest, joy, fear, sadness and anger. The main emotions are presented in the neural structures of the brain, each of which corresponds to a certain motor pattern. This is what makes it easy to read from the face and body information that is imprinted on it when the neural networks that are responsible for a particular emotion are activated.

Experts advise to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Emotion is a psychophysical reaction of an organism to this or that event, a response to what is happening “here and now”. Feelings usually consist of several different emotions and develop over time.

In everyday life, we often divide emotions into positive and negative and attribute to them constructive and destructive properties. But this approach greatly simplifies the understanding of emotions and does not give an idea of ​​what role they actually play.

- Absolutely all emotions are important for a person, - considers psychologist Anna Garafeeva... - They perform a regulatory function between the individual and his environment, they become signals that the brain sends in response to a particular situation and which help to understand how to behave further. For example, fear warns us that there is some kind of danger nearby and we need to be on the alert. Anger indicates that someone is encroaching on our territory, violating our boundaries and encouraging us to defend ourselves. Sadness is associated with the experience of a loss that must be mourned. You can't say that being angry is bad and being angry is even worse. All emotions that we used to consider negative initially play a positive role. But they can become negative if, for example, a person experiences fear in the absence of a real threat - then the emotion turns from a regulator into a destroyer. The reasons why this happens can be very different. But in this case, you cannot do without the help of a specialist.

Loss of landmarks

An equally important question is whether all emotions need to be expressed? What if open dissatisfaction with the controversial actions of your boss will make you the first candidate for dismissal, and showing anger towards your loved one will seriously complicate the relationship? Considering that the expression of some emotions is unworthy, shameful, capable of causing damage, we prefer to suppress them in ourselves. And we often demand the same from children. A simple and familiar example: a child is jealous of his parents for a newborn brother, angry with him. And they say to him: "You mustn't be angry, you have to love this kid!" He cannot control himself, begins to feel flawed, guilty and tries to hide this wrong emotion deep inside.

Suppressing emotions in ourselves, we lose the guidelines for adequate interaction with the world, - explains Anna Garafeeva. - We cease to understand - what is really happening to us in difficult situation and how to react to it. In addition, no matter how suppressed the emotion, it still finds a way out - in a somatic illness or neurosis. Expressing your emotions is essential. But how do you do it? Of course, it is unacceptable to get hysterical, shout, insult others, or resort to physical force. This is usually done by children who have not yet developed an emotional management system. However, some adults are also characterized by similar behavior, it only says that a person is completely and completely at the mercy of emotion and is unable to control it.

Remote Control

There are many ways to express emotions with dignity, in a civilized manner, without causing harm and pain to others and to yourself. But before you can master them, you need to learn how to cope with the paralyzing effect of a particular emotion. Here are some tips to help you stop in time and channel your efforts in a constructive direction.

Anger. A very strong emotion that is difficult to control. In a person seized with anger, energy rapidly soars up: he ceases to feel his legs, actively waves his arms, his blood pressure rises. Good way to get out of such an agitated state - to transfer all attention to the legs: to stomp them, walk, feel the movements of the feet and their contact with the floor. It is also important to bring back the feeling of your own center of the body by placing your palms on the navel area.

It is worth working with breathing, which in anger becomes impetuous and sharp, not allowing you to take a deep breath. Try to breathe deeply, calmly, and slowly, focusing on the exhalation. In addition, in anger, the focus of vision can also change: a wide vision is sharply narrowed. In this case, look around to catch different objects and objects with your eyes, try to focus on them. And, of course, if you have the opportunity to leave the place where you were seized by an outburst of anger, at least for a couple of minutes, take advantage of it - it will help to calm down a little and restore peace of mind.

Fear. Most often, this emotion is associated with the threat of destruction, with personal safety. In this case, objective information sometimes helps: if a person is afraid to fly an airplane, but reads reliable information that this is not the most dangerous form of transport, he partly calms down.

But an appeal to higher powers has a much greater effect. It can be a prayer, some kind of magic signs or objects, amulets. You can imagine a saving cocoon around you that will not let you get into trouble. All of this relieves stress and helps to gain additional strength in the fight against fear.

Sadness. For this emotion, the most important healer is time. Music also helps to cope with it, usually also sad, exactly corresponding to a sad state. Listening to such music, a person begins to feel that the sadness is no longer inside, it is concentrated in the music. Thus, a large distance arises in a person's soul between him and the feeling he is experiencing. Plus, sad music can be beautiful! This helps to recover faster, although it may be necessary to listen to the same song dozens or hundreds of times to fully recover.

Joy. Strong overexcitation can be associated with it, which can unbalance. This emotion is physiologically somewhat similar to anger or anger: the energy also rushes up, you want to jump and fly. It is also important to pay attention to the contact of the feet with the floor or the ground in order to moderate the ardor a little. And it is also necessary to restore breathing. Unlike narrow vision in anger, in joy, the gaze is usually scattered and it is necessary to focus it - for one or two minutes, look at some object or object.

Often, before learning how to express and manage emotions, you must first understand where they come from. Sometimes an emotion or reaction that a person considers his own can be copied from other family members and even passed from generation to generation. But to figure it out on your own, without the help of a specialist, is not possible.

Personal opinion

Valery Afanasyev:

I have absolutely no control over my emotions. Sometimes I get carried away, and here - just a hurricane! Some are even afraid of me. I suffer a lot from this, but at times I can’t do anything with myself! Then I walk away, and I feel ashamed that someone accidentally hurt, insulted. But at that moment it seems to me that I am right, and the "abscess" that has matured must be somehow "opened".

My wife keeps saying to me: “Well, why are you shouting? By doing so, you are showing your weakness! .. ”But I don’t know ... Later I most often apologize to people ...

Emotional intelligence- the most important component of a full-fledged personality.

The ability to cope with negative experiences depends not only on the state of mind of a person, but also on his success, motivation and aspirations.

To learn to interact with yourself, it is important to be able to recognize and deal with negative emotions.

Emotional person: why is he and what to do? Find out about it from ours.

The essence of negative reactions

The word "emotion" contains the Latin root "moveo".

Literally it means "Move, get moving".

- an instant program of action inherent in the subconscious of a person.

Thus, negative emotion is a person's reaction to a situation that does not fit into his understanding of what is happening. A kind of trigger that makes enable defensive behavior.

In essence, a reasonable man - Homo sapiens- is driven by two powerful forces. This is the mind and emotions. At first glance, analytical skills seem to be far more useful than emotional reactions. However, evolution ordered otherwise.

For millennia, man has faced situations where emotions were decisive. In the face of danger, our ancestors did not try to analyze what was happening. Long reflections on how best to deal with the attacking predator could cost them their lives.

Instant emotions took the stage, followed by lightning fast solutions- to defend, run away, attack, hide, etc. Feeling, danger and anger saved the person, gradually turning into an automatic reaction to danger.

Negative, or negative, emotion occurs instantly and almost automatically. It is unconscious, but it contains tremendous power. An individual, driven by such emotions, mobilizes all forces - speech arsenal, physical capabilities, speed of reaction.

Modern man rarely faces a direct threat to life.

Most negative experiences today "Grow" from other sources.

The ancient "This snake will bite me" was transformed into "This boss oppresses me."

Emotions evolved along with a person, so today negative experiences still cause the same lack of money or an intrusive signal from a nearby car at the traffic light.

A seemingly banal situation provokes the same reaction that was once caused by an attacking predator. The person instantly responds with rudeness to the stimulus and "rushes" to the offender.

Senses groups

Human consciousness multifaceted... It is important to be able to recognize negative experiences in order to understand if the experienced feeling is not harmful.

Any emotional states of a person are regulated hormonal background... In response to external stimuli, the endocrine system produces certain substances.

Simply put, in case of danger, adrenaline is released, in moments of pleasure - dopamine.

But the spectrum of feelings rarely provokes clear release of one hormone... Any emotion has many facets, just like the hormonal surge that caused it.

Recognizing a negative emotion is simple:

1. Most often it causes arousal.... Even a seemingly passive one produces an active stream of thoughts and depressing images. Nervous system excited.
2. Impatience... There is often a desire to act immediately. Failure to respond leads to stress. The subordinate who disagrees with the leader shakes his foot under the table or flicks a fountain pen.
3. Inability to concentrate... Emotions overwhelm consciousness, so logic is relegated to the background. There is no time to analyze, you need to act.

Why is the state of emotional deprivation dangerous? find out right now.

Types of negative emotions

The gamut of human emotions - a huge world of feelings and experiences... There are both positive and negative emotions in it.

What are negative emotional states? List of basic negative feelings:

The list of negative emotions goes on and on.

It is unlikely that psychologists will ever be able to compile a complete list of negative feelings.

After all, emotions often intertwine creating new shades of experience.

How to deal with anxiety?

If in the primitive world negative emotions saved a person's life, then in modern realities, outbursts of feelings can harm not only their source, but also those around.

Allows you to fully activate logical thinking.

but do not push feelings into the background. It is important to recognize them and be able to cope with the most destructive ones.

Understanding the source

To deal with negative experiences, it is important to understand the source that provokes them. More precisely, the source of experiences is the very consciousness of a person, but the irritant is most often the environment.

How to deal with negativity:

The proposed chain can be used not only in the described example. Distance and evaluate your emotions as if from the outside... Treat negative feelings separately from yourself.

You are not what you think. As soon as you learn to think, not “Here is a scoundrel!”, But “I am pissed off,” you will learn to control your emotions.

Suppression of the rage

Sudden rage becomes a real hurricane, destroying relationships and impairing well-being.

Imagine a situation where you are walking on the sidewalk and a passing car splashes water at you from a puddle.

You for sure go into a rage, because "it was possible to go more carefully."

The driver has already forgotten about you, but you carry your emotions home and you will surely throw them out on the first person you come across.

Feeling like you're falling into a rampage, stop stream of angry thoughts and look at the situation from a different angle. Break away from the belief that your opinion is the only one right.

Perhaps the driver is in a hurry to the airport or he has just had a baby. Mix your anger with understanding or a suitable neutral emotion. She will help extinguish the flames of rage.

Suppression of excitement

Worry often arises out of nowhere. Excitement snowballs, and its owner is immersed in disturbing thoughts. Often, anxiety, regularly fed, becomes a habit.

As soon as the excitement begins to draw images of catastrophes in our thoughts, we stop this flow. We mentally rewind time back and analyze the moment when the first exciting emotion of the chain arose.

Important get to the bottom of the process... Did you see the note in the newspaper? Heard the loud barking of a dog around the corner?

Once the starting point is found, we begin to devalue the risk of an accident.

What is the probability what event from the newspaper will happen to you?

Are there any other options for the development of events? Can I prevent this disaster?

Cold assessment of the situation and logical thinking will help in the fight against anxiety. Healthy skepticism will gradually teach you to analyze possible incidents from the standpoint of logic, rather than outbursts of emotion.

Ways to Unleash Energy

No matter how effectively a person copes with negative emotions, when they arise, they cause damage to moral and physical condition... Experienced often sinks into consciousness as a heavy burden... The abuser was sorted out, the situation was resolved, and nervous tension still here.

How to get rid of? The condition of the taut string will help to eliminate simple ways:

Negative emotions - a person's natural reaction to unpleasant situations. Dealing with negative experiences is important to keep negative experiences from doing harm. The fight against negativity begins with awareness of your own feelings. Simple ways to relieve nervous tension will also come in handy.

Negative emotions - how to deal with them? 2 simple methods:

How well we succeed in life is largely determined by emotional intelligence: the ability to develop motivation for ourselves and to persistently strive to achieve goals, to control impulses and postpone satisfaction, to control our moods and prevent suffering from depriving ourselves of the opportunity to think, empathize and hope.

The books "Emotional Intelligence" and "Emotional Flexibility" tell about how to learn to control your emotions. We publish some interesting thoughts and useful tips of them.

Emotions and Reason

The name Homo sapiens - Homo sapiens - is misleading. We all know from experience that when it comes to making decisions and defining a course of action, feelings often play a greater role than thinking.

All emotions are essentially instant programs of action that evolution has gradually instilled in us. Actually, the root of the word "emotion" is the Latin verb moveo, meaning "to move, set in motion."

This evolutionary device has served us well when we were threatened every day by snakes, lions, and hostile neighboring tribes. Faced with a predator or an enemy, primitive man did not have time for abstract reflections: “I am in danger. What options do I have? " Instantly flared up anger or fear gave decisive chances for survival.

Fortunately, in modern world most of the problems we face are vague and distant in time. This is no longer “A-ah! Snake!". These are “Will they not fire me?”, “Will my savings be enough for my old age?”. But because of the close connection with emotions, our thoughts are able to elicit an automatic response in the form of anxiety, fear, and a sense of immediate threat.

In a sense, we have two different thinking abilities: rational and emotional. And both are important. We do not need to get rid of emotions and put reason in their place, it would be better to try to find a balance between them, to establish harmony between the head and heart.

Emotional flexibility

Even if a situation makes you angry, anxious, or sad, you can control your behavior. Choosing how to respond to the stimulus, a person realizes his opportunity for development and his freedom.

Emotionally flexible people prevent negative feelings from unsettling them; on the contrary, they only go more confidently - together with all their "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals.

Many people look for solutions to their emotional problems in books or courses on self-development, but the problem is that often such programs are completely wrong to work on themselves. Especially far from reality are those that call for positive thinking. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to inspire joyful thoughts by force.

You can't dismiss unpleasant feelings, but you shouldn't dwell on them either. There is a third approach: openly, with interest and without criticism, accept all your emotions.When we are really ready to realize and accept our inner problems, then sooner or later even the most terrible demons retreat. It is often enough to look fears in the face and articulate them to make them lose their strength.

Emotional flexibility is a process that allows you to live in the present by understanding when you need or not need to change your behavior in order to stay in alignment with your intentions and values. This process does not mean that you ignore difficult feelings and thoughts. No, you just stop clinging to them, look at them without fear or criticism, and then accept them in order to bring grandiose changes for the better into your life.

Distance yourself and learn to recognize your feelings

Separate your thoughts and feelings from yourself and consider with an open mind: you are thinking about this and experiencing this, but you are not your thoughts and feelings. This creates the very gap between feelings and reactions to them. If there is this gap, we manage to realize complex and unpleasant emotions immediately at the moment of their appearance and choose how to react to them.

Observation from the outside does not allow fleeting experiences to gain the upper hand over us. By distancing ourselves, we discover a broader picture of what is happening - we learn to see ourselves as a chessboard on which countless games can be played, and not as a piece with a strictly limited set of moves.A cold-blooded awareness of violent or stormy feelings is the maximum that self-observation gives. At the very least, it manifests itself in the ability to move away from the experience.

Self-awareness is a neutral mode of operation in which introspection persists even in the midst of a raging sea of ​​emotions. There is an obvious difference, for example, between the states when one person is just terribly angry with another, and when the same person thinks: "But I am furious." This is the first step towards establishing some control.

Self-awareness has a more powerful effect on strong hostile feelings. It is worth thinking: “But I feel anger,” as there will be a great freedom of choice - not only not to be guided by it in your actions, but in addition to try to get rid of it.

Manage your emotions

Extremes - emotions that build up too intensely or for too long - undermine our stability. Out of control, they turn into pathological, as in paralyzing depression, overwhelming anxiety, raging anger, manic excitement.

Of course, a person does not have to be happy all the time. Ups and downs, although they give life a peculiar acuity, must be in balance. It is the ratio of positive and negative emotions that determines the feeling of well-being - as evidenced by the results of studies on the mood of hundreds of men and women.

The goal is to find peace of mind, not to suppress emotions: each feeling is valuable and important in its own way. But when emotions are extremely strong and last longer than a certain acceptable time limit, they gradually turn into excruciating extreme forms.

The brain is designed in such a way that we very often have little or no control over the moment when we are captured by any emotion, and have no control over which emotion captures us. But we can have some influence on how long it will last.

Rage

Imagine someone unexpectedly cuts you off on the freeway. If your first thought is “Son of a bitch!” It almost certainly means that you will soon be overcome by a fit of rage.

You grip the steering wheel with all your strength. Your body is mobilized for battle: you are shaking, beads of sweat appear on your forehead, your heart is pounding and ready to jump out of your chest, an evil grimace froze on your face. You are ready to kill the villain. Then, if the driver of the car behind you is impatiently honking, you can, without remembering yourself from the rage, pounce on him at the same time. Anger grows with anger, and the emotional brain is "heated" the further, the more, and as a result, rage, not contained by the mind, easily turns into a rage.

For comparison, consider a different process of growing rage with a more compassionate attitude towards the driver who cut you off: “Maybe he did not notice me, or maybe he had some good reason to go so carelessly, for example, to someone urgently medical assistance was required ”. Such thoughts dilute the anger with compassion, or at least force you to relate to what happened without prejudice.

To stop the train of resentful thoughts that fuel the rage, you first need to destroy the beliefs that feed it. Reflections add fuel to the fire. But a different view of things will extinguish the flame. One of the most powerful ways to completely calm your anger is to describe the situation again, but from a different perspective.

Try to grasp the thoughts that cause the waves of anger and doubt their correctness, since it is this initial assessment that both reinforces and sustains the first outburst of rage, and the subsequent ones only fan the fire.The sooner the cycle of anger is stopped, the greater the effect can be achieved.

There is another way to calm down. For "cooling passions", in the physiological sense - release from the release of adrenaline, an environment is required that does not imply additional mechanisms of inciting rage. For example, in a dispute, you need to stop communicating with the enemy for some time.

Vigorous exercise also helps a lot against anger. No less effect is given by different methods relaxation such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation. They change the physiology of the body, transferring it from a state of strong to a state of low arousal.

However, no method of calming will work if one after another goes through the thoughts provoking anger in the head: each such thought itself is a small trigger for the phased activation of irritation.

Anxiety

Anxiety appears to appear out of nowhere, cannot be controlled, creates a constant noise of anxiety, is inaccessible to the mind and, as a result, can result in real neuroses of fear, including various kinds of phobias, obsessive states and panic attacks.

Most anxiety-ridden people seem to be unable to turn their attention to anything else. The reason is associated with frequent anxiety, which is extremely intensified and becomes a habit.

There are a few simple steps you can take to help even the most incorrigible anxious individuals control this habit. The first step is self-awareness. Trace the disturbing episodes as close to the beginning as possible, ideally as soon as or immediately after the fleeting image of the disaster triggers the anxiety cycle.

You must learn to identify situations that trigger anxiety, or fleeting thoughts and images that stimulate it. Noticing the beginning anxiety, you can apply different relaxation methods, abouthowever, this is not enough.

If you are tormented by troubling thoughts, learn how to fight back decisively first.Try to be critical of your predictions: is it likely that the event that scares you will actually happen? Is there only one scenario? Can any constructive steps be taken? Will chewing on the same disturbing thoughts really endlessly help you?

If anxiety is not prevented from coming back again and again, it will acquire "the ability to persuade." And if you fight him back, considering several equally likely options, then you will stop naively taking every disturbing thought for the truth. The combination of thoughtfulness and healthy skepticism will act as a brake and stop the nervous excitement that feeds not too much anxiety.

On the other hand, people whose anxiety has become so severe that it has escalated into a phobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or panic attack, it might be wiser - which is a sign of self-awareness - to seek medication to break the cycle.

Melancholy

Self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness, despair, inability to concentrate mentally, insomnia, feeling as indifferent as a zombie are just a few of the manifestations of depression.

Most people in this dire condition will benefit from psychotherapy as well as drug therapy. But with ordinary sadness, the upper limit of which reaches the level of "asymptomatic depression," people can cope on their own.

One of the main factors in determining whether depression persists or dissipates is the degree of depression. Standard scenario: Isolate from everyone and everything and reflect on how awful you feel.

People in a depressed mood sometimes assess their reflections as an attempt to "understand themselves better"; in fact, they feed their discouragement by not taking any steps to actually help themselves.

One of the most powerful remedies for depression is changing the way you look at things. It's natural to mourn the end of a relationship and indulge in self-pity. A surefire way to exacerbate feelings of despair! However, if you step back and consider why your relationship hasn't been as strong and long-lasting, and why you and your partner haven’t fit together, in other words, looking at loss differently and trying to learn a valuable lesson, you’ll find a cure for sadness.

Here are some other ways to improve your mood:

1. The most popular tactic for dealing with depression is socializing - going out to eat, go to a baseball or go to the movies, in short, something that you can do with friends or family. All of this works very well if the end result is to get rid of sad thoughts.

2. Aerobics is also an effective remedy for helping a person out of mild depression.

3. A constructive method for improving mood is organizing a modest victory or easy success: you can, for example, vigorously take on a long-delayed general cleaning of the entire house or finally do some other things that should have been tidied up for a long time.

4. There is another effective way to get out of depression - to help those who are in difficult circumstances. Depression is fueled by self-reflection and self-interest. Helping others pulls us away from these concerns because we become deeply immersed in the feelings of people in suffering.

Motivation

Controlling your emotions - delaying gratification and suppressing impulsiveness - is at the core of all achievement. People who master this art, as a rule, turn out to be more productive and successful in everything, no matter what they undertake.

The impulsive, reward-hungry system in our brain (passion) constantly conflicts with rational long-term goals(mind).

For example, you decide that you will eat more healthy foods. But then you notice an appetizing chocolate mousse in a display case with desserts. There is activity in the pleasure-related area of ​​the brain. Oh, how you crave that chocolate mousse! But no, you remind yourself. It is forbidden.

While you're braving enough to give up dessert, the self-control area of ​​your brain kicks in. When both of these areas are active, the brain literally struggles with itself - and we decide whether to take dessert or abstain. To complicate matters, the more primitive instincts have a head start. The brain encourages certain decisions even before willpower even makes itself felt.

Our brains are designed so that primitive impulses take precedence over deliberate judgments, but fortunately, one small adjustment will save you.We can formulate our goals through the word "want", not "must" or "should." When we change our motivation in this way, we no longer need to worry about whether passions or reason win in opposition - our "I" is in harmony.

Want-goals reflect the true interests and values ​​of a person. We pursue such goals because we get pleasure from it, because the goal is important for us in itself or is perceived by us as an integral part of the personality. And most importantly, we chose these goals ourselves.

On the contrary, must-goals have an external origin: either they are inspired by a persistent relative (“It's time for you to lose fat!”), Or we are obliged to follow a subconscious scenario or an external goal, usually associated with the need to avoid shame (“Lord, yes I looks like an airship! I can't go to a wedding with such sides! ").

You can lean towards healthy eating out of fear, shame, or concern about your appearance. Or you can choose a healthy diet because you believe health is a prerequisite for feeling good and enjoying life.

Necessary motivation increases the temptation many times over, because you feel that you are limited or deprived of something. Although it will encourage change for the better for a while, sooner or later your resolve will be shaken. There will inevitably be times when impulse outstrips intention.

By adjusting your motivation, you will no longer be powerless in the face of temptation. Want-motivation reduces the automatic craving for stimuli that can lead you away from the chosen path (old love, the glitter of a cocktail glass on a tray at the waiter's), and pushes you towards a line of behavior that will really help you get closer to your goal.

Based on materials from books

The inability to control our emotions, at times, does not have the best effect on our relationships with other people. If you want to avoid problems in many areas of life due to the inability to suppress your anger, jealousy and other negative feelings, then we recommend that you use some simple tips.

Managing your own emotions - good or bad

It should be understood that controlling emotions does not imply a ban on emotions in general. We are talking about the upbringing of an internal culture, which, as a rule, characterizes just decent and self-confident people. Please note that there is nothing wrong with freely demonstrating your spontaneous positive emotions, but this should in no way prevent you from suppressing in special situations. negative manifestations feelings.

As you already understood, control of emotions can be called control, first of all, of involuntary emotions, which in turn can be called one of the most important components of a person's self-control. It is also important to understand that control in no way equals prohibition.

If you learn to control your emotions well at the right time, then, of course, this will only play into your hands. When a person is truly mature, he will not complain about lack of self-control - he works it out diligently. And in general, complaints are behavior inherent in children and "adult children" who do not want to grow up.

As a result, we can conclude that emotional control is still needed for a comfortable life in society. However, for a neurotic and unrestrained person, this will not be easy - in this case, such a task can do more harm than good. Such a person will become even more irritated, and as a result, the situation may turn out to be worse than it was initially. At the same time, it is important to emphasize that a total inability to restrain oneself refers to mental deviations, no matter how serious it sounds. It may make sense to consult a specialist. Once you learn to manage your emotions, there is no need to control them.

Remember that the spontaneous nature of emotions interferes with our achievement of long-term goals - with our mood swings, we can complicate our own life at the most inopportune moment. It is very difficult to come to a realization of your true goal for a person who regularly succumbs to an emotional outburst.

How to learn to control and manage your emotions

Often we are overwhelmed by emotions at the wrong moment when it is needed. Some of our reactions are not always an adequate response in a given situation. You yourself have probably noticed that in moments of emotional outburst, often, we think much worse than in a calm state. Sometimes, you just need to distance yourself from the situation, but internal impulses simply do not allow you to do this. And yet, a person who has managed to make a developed personality out of himself understands how useful the ability to manage his emotions is. Also, for sure, many understand that well-mannered person it differs from the ill-mannered in that he is able to control himself, even when it is rather difficult. In general, self-control is very important. What techniques can you use to cultivate self-restraint?

"Hold" your face

This advice is simple, but it has a tremendous effect. Even if a negative emotion has already arisen for you, do not let it reflect on your face! If you can do this, the intensity of emotions will clearly diminish.

With some effort, for sure, you will be able to develop the skill of "calm presence" in yourself. As you know, Indians are famous for often skillfully controlling their emotions - not a single muscle on their face will tremble when they are angry, disappointed or surprised. Perhaps, in such a reaction, the true inner strength of a person is manifested. Conclusion: no matter what storms overwhelm you on the inside, outwardly you should not demonstrate it.

Breath

In peak situations, it is important to monitor your breathing - when its rhythm changes, the emotional state also changes. Just breathe in and out calmly, and your condition will gradually return to normal.

It is highly undesirable to demonstrate your negative emotions in the workplace - this is fraught not only with problems in the team, but, at times, with a banal dismissal. However, it is important to note that not only the subordinate, but also the leadership should restrain themselves!

When you are a boss, you need to learn to control yourself emotionally.

People who find themselves in a leadership position often cease to adequately evaluate their colleagues over time, demanding more from them than they are capable of or can give. As a result, an employee who does not live up to expectations falls under emotional shelling. Think, perhaps, a similar situation has developed in your team, and you simply demand more from people than they are obliged to do. If this is not at all the case, and you understand that the employee did not cope with his immediate duties, then it is much more effective to reprimand him in a cold and stern tone than to go on to yell.

Ways to deal with emotions when you are a subordinate

The most important thing is not to try on the image of the victim. Sometimes, an employee who is insulted by a manager almost “savor” the painful phrases that he voices. A person does not analyze the spoken words, does not think what caused them - he simply accumulates hatred for the boss. Of course, it is not easy to be neutral towards a person who radiates negativity in your direction, but it is important to remember that hatred destroys a person, so you should not cherish it. Perhaps in some such situation you are not able to give a worthy rebuff, but you are certainly capable of ignoring. When you realize that the situation is at its peak, just turn off your consciousness. You don't need to prove anything to your opponent. Wait until he speaks out, and only then calmly tell him what you wanted. Do not worry that it will not be timely - it will not cancel the desired effect.

How to become emotionally stable in any situation

Learn to deal with negative emotions and not succumb to them

If you develop the following skills in yourself, then it will be much easier for you to learn how to manage your emotions.

• Attention management. You should pay attention to important, positive things, and try not to focus on the negative.
• Control of facial expressions. In especially difficult situations, it is advisable to save face and not show that you are overwhelmed by any negative emotions.
• Developed imagination. Helps, if necessary, to distract from unpleasant situations, and "switch" to something else.
• Breath. When you learn to control your breathing, it will be easier for you to calm yourself down.

As you already understood, not everyone is able to manage their own emotional state. In general, not all emotions can be controlled. And yet, each of us is within the power to approach the ideal in this sense, if we really want to set ourselves a similar task. You can come to this on your own, or you can trust specialists in specialized centers. In the second case, it is important that your mentors are highly qualified and the centers have a good reputation. To determine the choice of such an institution, you can read the reviews on the Web.

Remember our thoughts are playing huge role in our life. When we pay attention to the positive aspects, then inside we seem to "trigger" a positive state. If we focus more on the negative aspects, then by doing so we attract more negativity into life. Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to ignore life's problems, but learn to treat them constructively: not to be a victim of circumstances, but to look for ways to solve difficulties.

If negative thoughts overwhelm you, try to forcibly switch them, direct them in a positive direction - start thinking about something good, or make some plans that cheer you up. You can simply visualize beautiful pictures in your thoughts - landscapes, loved ones in a festive setting, and so on.

The moments when you are trying to take control of your emotions, you should think about what benefits you get from being in a negative state. Often, a person does not realize that fear, anger or resentment is not at all a natural and not a natural state. In fact, this is our personal choice, and subconsciously we decided that it is beneficial to us in the current situation and solves some of our problems. Until you understand why you decided to experience this state, it will be difficult for you to get rid of it.

You should not suppress or hide your emotions - it is important to be able to control them.

As we have already noted, you should not forbid yourself from expressing your emotions. It's about something completely different - emotions need to be controlled! Do not give vent to too negative expressions of feelings, and allow yourself to show a positive mood. Let's find out what a person who is unable to control negative emotions can lose.

1) The state of being positive

A person who is overcome by negative feelings is hardly able to think positively. Having succumbed to the influence of anger, anger or something like that, he will hardly be able to "tune in" to another wave in the near future.

2) Calm

Sometimes, this is even more important than the positive state. A person who is in a calm state is always able to think more soberly than one who is subject to the emotions that overwhelm her.

3) Relationships

Unfortunately, many relationships, which include love, friendship, business, collapse due to the fact that someone failed to contain the flow of negativity in time. Often, such behavior undermines trust, kills feelings, which in the end often leads to a break in relations.

4) Reputation

A person who allows himself the frequent manifestation of negative emotions is unlikely to have a reputation as a respected and adequate person. When you do not know what to expect from the interlocutor or assume that he may suddenly flare up or something like that, you try to limit communication with him. Gradually, an opinion is formed about a person, which does not paint him at all.

5) control over life

Those who are unable to control their emotions cannot fully control their lives. Having succumbed to a sudden impulse, a person can lose a lot or face other unpleasant consequences of his impulse. As a result, the life of such a person is developing less successfully than it could.

In general, the list of losses does not end there, but even on the points listed above, it is obvious that the lack of control over emotions, at times, can lead to an unpleasant result.

Of course, when there are children in the family, the nervous situation in the family may not develop in the best way on their subsequent psychological development. In the presence of children, it is especially important to control your emotions!

Techniques to deal with excessive emotionality

The technique of identification. It can help in some peak situations when you need to control yourself. In such cases, it is useful to imagine yourself not as yourself, but as someone else. You can try on the image of a hero or person you want to be like in such moments. You should react and act accordingly in the same way as the person with whom you identify yourself would. The method is quite suitable for creative people with a developed imagination.

Self-hypnosis technique. You may well use a simplified self-hypnosis technique. At the right time, you should say to yourself certain attitudes: “I am in control of myself,” “I am invulnerable and calm,” “Nothing will drive me out of myself,” and the like.

Emotion Management Books for Parents

If you understand that your family members do not always manage to cope with the intensity of any emotions, then, of course, it makes sense to familiarize yourself with the literature that teaches you to cope with the manifestation of negativity.

What books should you pay special attention to? Perhaps you will like the technique offered by Richard Fitfield in his work “Managing Emotions. Creating Harmonious Relationships ”. Also, a lot of useful information can be found in the book "New Positive Psychology: A Scientific Look at Happiness and the Meaning of Life" (Seligman Martin EP). Many parents can be helped in managing their emotions by the work of Capponi V. and Novak T. “Your Own Psychologist” or Rainwater J. “It's within your power. How to become your own psychotherapist. "

Managing emotions does not need to be presented as a particularly difficult task, however, and it should not be overlooked either. Often, it is difficult to achieve the set goal for people who have already missed the moment the emotion arises, did not warn it and the actions of the interlocutors who created these emotions.

It is easy for an experienced professional to understand whether a person is able to control their emotions by studying their body language. If a person is calm, his body is relaxed and collected, he is probably able to master his state at the necessary moment. If a person's movements are chaotic, the gaze is uncertain or wandering, then, apparently, it is not easy for him to cope with possible negative reactions. Also, a specialist can give a very disappointing assessment of a person whose body is very tense, constricted, or seems to "rattle". What is meant by the last definition? "Jitter" is characterized by uncontrollable tensions running through the body - it can be twitching of the fingers, lips, muscles near the eyes, and so on. These symptoms can be learned to control by exercising the “calm presence”, which is separately mentioned in this article.

There is one more important condition when managing emotions - you should learn to relax yourself in different conditions and situations. Always keep your body calm - this skill will provide you with remarkable results.

Some people think that in a love relationship it is not necessary to restrain their emotions, believing that the loved one should accept them "as they are." It is worth noting that for the time being, this can happen, but once a flurry of negative emotions can still kill the feelings of even the most loving partner. At the same time, this happens completely involuntarily - just one day a person realizes that he is tired of unreasonable jealousy, irascibility, aggression, resentment or other unpleasant emotions of his beloved.

When this critical moment comes, it becomes difficult to correct the situation, and, at times, it is completely impossible. Of course, in order not to lead to such an outcome, it is better to initially value your relationship, and not allow spontaneous negative emotions to destroy the trust and harmony that have developed in a couple. Remember that one thoughtless word can echo in all your subsequent relationships with your loved one.

Don Juan on Controlling Emotions (Carlos Castaneda, Controlled Stupidity)

The last point will tell you about stalking - a special technique that helps track down your emotions and feelings in order to keep them under control. In Castaneda's writings, don Juan says stalking can be called "controlled folly." If you studied English, then, for sure, you know that the word "stalking" comes from the verb "to stalk", which means "secretly stalk, using various tricks and tricks," and usually refers to hunting. A hunter is called a stalker. Don Juan Matus taught Castaneda to hunt, first offering to study the habits of wild animals.

The author of the book is convinced that Everyday life one should not forget about the stalker method. Obviously, the stalker's actions are usually based on observations, and not at all on what he thinks. Often we are unable to distinguish between our ideas and reality, confusing observation with judgment. Meanwhile, when the hunter observes, there is no room in his thoughts for reflection, condemnation, internal dialogue - he simply observes what is happening.

Carlos Castaneda points out our attention to the fact that, at times, we not only do not control our negative emotions, but also indulge them. Many people know what it means to take offense at someone for many years, be angry or suffer, without doing anything that could eliminate this condition.

Don Juan calls such self-indulgence, weakness, and self-pity a waste of energy, which only brings fatigue and deprives us of many accomplishments. Of course, there is no doubt that a person who indulges such weaknesses becomes weak himself.