... with a relative

Unfortunately, there is no ideal relationship between children and parents, siblings, grandparents and grandchildren. It is one thing when you peacefully coexist and only sometimes argue over trifles, but a completely different thing is the total divergence of views on life and on the surrounding reality. Sometimes it can poison your life. All kinds of people meet, so be honest with yourself first. Is this relative really unbearable and do you feel like a squeezed lemon after talking to him? If the answer is yes, feel free to limit your communication with this person. It's better to take care of your moral health than “what people think”.

... with my boyfriend

Here everything is almost the same, as in the case of relatives. Constant "litigation" with your beloved is a sure sign that the relationship is beginning to depreciate. If it's all about the little things, then you just need to learn how to communicate more effectively. Learn to express your thoughts competently and intelligibly, as well as listen to your partner. If you understand that no matter how hard you try, your young man is not interested in this and your needs and opinions are not taken into account at all, feel free to break off such relations. They will only bring you pain and humiliation.

... with colleagues and superiors

In the modern rhythm of life, when work takes up almost all of our time, it is necessary to be able to communicate well with the authorities. If you do not particularly understand what exactly is wanted from you, do not hesitate to make an appointment and directly ask everything in detail. It may happen that what was said is not pleasant, but this way you will understand what you need to work on, and this understanding can change your work environment to the completely opposite.

… with friends

Friends are the family we choose. Usually 1-2 people are recruited as true friends, and we value this friendship very much. But even here it is not without communication problems. Since you know each other best, try to control yourself as tightly as possible during an argument, as in anger you may say something that will inflict a huge spiritual wound on your friend. If you see that your friend has absolutely changed, and this is no longer the person you were once friends with, but the person he has become, you would not even come a kilometer closer, maybe it's time to think about changing the circle communication.

Dealing with difficult and irrational people can often be frustrating and tiring. They tend to overreact even to minor difficulties. We know that their behavior is not rational, but nothing we tell them makes them listen to our opinion and change in better side... What should we do in these cases? This article will tell you how to deal with difficult people.

Imagine a situation that in front of you there is an inadequate client who is completely unable to control his negative emotions, complaining that the TV he bought is defective, or you are talking to your soulmate who makes you a scandal over a trifle. Or maybe it's a hysterical driver who yells at you for not making way for him where you had the advantage. Either your friend, who is always late, or your boss, who will never say a kind word about your work, makes you nervous.

These are people who behave in an irrational way and may seem frustrated to us in life. And in fact they are. But the first step to learning how to behave with them is to realize that they are not so different from you. Each of us has an irrational part, only some are able to control its manifestations better than others.

If it seems to you that these difficulties in communication are not caused by individual people, but by all those with whom you have to interact, it is quite possible that you are the person who acts irrationally. Think about your behavior, and if this causes you great discomfort, seek the advice of a psychologist.

Neuropsychological

What is the difference between the brain of a rational and an irrational person?

The amygdala is the brain structure that is responsible for managing our emotions. It is this gland that participates in our decision-making process. Most of the time, we make decisions based on our emotions. Studies show that rational people have the highest activity in the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for decision making, planning, etc.). This means that they are able to manage their emotions in the most optimal way in order to make the most rational decisions.

Difficult and irrational people also tend to be more impulsive. They often don't think about what they are saying. This impulsiveness makes them say the first thing that comes to their mind, without thinking about how it might affect other people, or how they might feel. And in most cases, they don't do it unintentionally.

That is, irrational people allow themselves to be led by their emotions with great ease and have less control over their reactions, so they can sometimes behave aggressively or impulsively.

Thus, if you are confronted with a person who is behaving irrationally, think about the fact that he carries a heavy baggage of emotions that he cannot properly manage, and does not really think about what he is saying.

1. Don't take anything personally

These people have nothing against you. They are guided by their emotions and do not think about what they are saying. The problem is not at all in you, but in themselves.

By taking this personally, we only exacerbate our own discomfort and develop negative thinking. So, analyze the situation and think about what arguments you can give in favor of the fact that this person has something against you. Does he really complain about you, has a certain need for your participation that he cannot satisfy through your fault, or is he in a difficult life situation?

2. Listen to him and sympathize

How to deal with difficult people? Listen to what that person is saying to you and try to understand him. Ask him what he wants and what you can do to help him. Try to put yourself in his shoes. To do this, you can complete the phrase "it's not that easy." For example: “My boss is very demanding. It is not easy to occupy such a responsible position. "

3. Do not try to convince him

Never argue with someone who is acting irrationally. Trying to convince him that he is wrong will only make the problem worse. But acting from the point of view of a defensive position is also not an option. Remember that this person does not attack you, he just feels uncomfortable because he cannot control the situation in the desired way.

5. Keep calm

It is important not to respond to aggression with even more aggression. In this way, you will only exacerbate the problem by provoking an escalation of the conflict. Relax, take a few deep breaths. Relaxation and Mindfulness techniques can help you control your emotions and relax.

6. Be persistent

Sometimes we simply cannot tolerate certain behaviors of other people, such as disrespect, insults, or unreasonable demands. In such cases, the best way to respond is persistence. We cannot indulge or tolerate such behaviors, and we cannot respond aggressively. Instead, we can answer, for example, like this: “Please do not talk to me like that”, “I want to help you, but I cannot do it until you stop yelling at me”, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but if next time you are late again, I will leave without waiting for you. "

7. Give yourself time

How to deal with difficult people? If you feel like you can't deal with someone who is acting irrationally, give yourself time to calm down. Sometimes we see things objectively and deal with the situation. Move away from this person. If it's a stranger, just go and get someone else to do it (if the situation is in a work context). If this is an acquaintance of yours, you can tell him the following: “Right now, we cannot solve this problem. When we both calm down, we can talk about it. "

8. Avoid communication with this person

If the irrational behavior of a certain person is not a one-time, random act, but, rather, his constant pattern of behavior, you will not be able to cope with it, and this will cause you a feeling of discomfort and negativity. The best thing to do is to avoid contact with this person. For you it is toxic person, communication with which does not bring you any benefit. Spend as little time with him as possible.

9. Discuss it with someone

Tell someone you trust about your conflict with a difficult person. So you will not only be able to speak out, but also look at this situation from a different point of view. Your friend, who is not a party to the conflict, will be more objective and help you see the situation in an objective way.

10. Don't judge a difficult person

How to deal with a difficult person? Sometimes we easily begin to make value judgments about the behavior of others. Nevertheless, in fact, we do not know the true reason why this person behaves this way, we do not know what is hidden behind his irrational behavior. We do not know what is happening at the moment in this person's life, so try to treat him with understanding.

Translation by Alexandra Dyuzheva

© Fotolia, WavebreakMediaMicro

How to deal with negative people

What is the main determinant of happiness?

The answer to this question, as you probably already know, is not wealth, fame, beauty or power. Our sense of happiness is determined by how other people, especially our loved ones — friends, family members, colleagues — treat us. When your loved ones treat you well, you simply cannot help but feel happy, but if they treat you badly or avoid communicating with you, you are doomed to be unhappy.

The reason our happiness depends a lot on the quality of our relationships with others is because people are social beings in the first place. And if you look back, you can find a lot of evidence of this. It is very important for us to know what others think of us, and, as my own observations show, we are much more willing to agree to experience something unpleasant (for example, watch a bad movie) in the company of those who share our negative attitude towards it than to experience something pleasant. (for example, see good movie) in the company of people who disagree with us. Our social identity also explains why falling in love with another person is the most precious experience in our life and why isolation, whose extreme form is solitary confinement, is considered by those who have experienced it as the most severe test.

All this explains why it is so excruciatingly difficult for us to communicate and interact with negative people - people who constantly spoil our mood with their pessimism, anxiety and distrust. Imagine that you are constantly being prevented from pursuing your dream because "only a few are successful at it." Or imagine being constantly discouraged from learning something new - like scuba diving or horseback riding - because it is "too dangerous." Imagine that you constantly hear negative statements about other people (for example, "I can't believe you told the neighbors that you failed the driving test - now they will never respect you!") If you are regularly exposed to this negative impact, this can significantly affect your stock of positivity, and this in turn will lead to the fact that you either join the ranks of negative people, or begin to show indifference or even rudeness towards negative people in your environment.

How should you deal with negative people?

One of the obvious solutions is to simply not communicate with them. But this is easier said than done. We can always easily cut off a grumpy bartender or an airline manager who has a hard time dealing with his anger, but we can't just turn away and stop communicating with our parents, siblings, spouses, coworkers or friends.

A more practical approach to dealing with such people is to first try to understand the reasons for their negative attitudes. In short, negative attitudes are almost always rooted in one of three deep-seated fears: fear of disrespect from others, fear of being unloved, and fear that something bad might happen. These fears continuously feed each other, and as a result, the person possessed by them comes to the conclusion that “ the world very dangerous, and people are mostly bad. "

It is difficult for a person gripped by such fears to believe in the need to follow his dream (after all, on this path he is guaranteed to fail) and take risks, even if it is necessary for personal growth and development. It is also easy to understand why people who are trapped in these fears find it very difficult to trust others.

The fears that underlie negative perceptions of the world manifest themselves in a wide variety of forms:

Vulnerability or a tendency to take offense at the comments of other people: for example, the phrase "today you look great" causes an extremely negative reaction: "So yesterday I looked bad?"

Categoricalness or a tendency to invest negative motivation in completely innocent actions of other people: for example, guests who do not praise the hostess's treat are regarded as "uncouth rude bribes who do not deserve invitations in the future."

Self-doubt. We are talking about a feeling of helplessness, an inability to cope with the trials that we encounter on the path of life, which leads to the emergence of the strongest anxiety when faced with such trials and to a feeling of shame and guilt if a person avoids these trials.

Demanding: although negative people experience acute insecurity in their own abilities, they often insistently demand from their loved ones some special achievements so that "I can be proud of you."

Pessimism or a tendency to believe that the future is dark and hopeless. For example, negative people are much more likely to imagine how and why an important commercial visit can fail than vice versa.

Avoidance of risks, especially in matters of a social nature. This leads to a reluctance to disclose information that "could be used against me" and, as a result, to boring conversations and superficial relationships.
... The desire to control the behavior of other people, especially those close to you. For example, negative people have tough demands on how their children should eat, what kind of car to buy, and so on.

It is worth noting that in all of the above manifestations of negativity, there is one common feature, namely, the tendency to blame external factors - other people, environment or "luck" - not yourself and your negative attitude towards the world. Negative people often think: “If only people knew what I was capable of, if people were kinder to me, if the world was not full of dangers and if my friends, colleagues and relatives behaved with me the way I do. I would like it, I would be happy! "

At first glance, it may seem rather paradoxical that negatively minded people experience self-doubt and at the same time consider themselves entitled to demand respect and love from others. It may also seem quite paradoxical that negative-minded people are pessimistic about their own future and, at the same time, demand success from others. However, in reality there is no paradox here. This happens because negatively minded people do not feel respected and loved, do not feel that they themselves are able to control their lives, and therefore demand love and respect from others and seek to control everything around.

If you look at negatively-minded people from this point of view, it becomes clear that their negativity is an almost undisguised cry for help. Of course, these people are not helping themselves in any way, demonstrating their plight and desire to control everyone - they would be much more successful in trying to win love, respect and the right to control if they realized that demonstrating a plight and showing a desire to control everyone is doomed to failure. - however, the fact remains: negative people need help.

The obvious but ultimately completely unproductive way to help these people is to give them the love, respect, and control they want. However, this can be a very slippery slope, because over time, people adapt to new conditions, and soon those around them will be forced to show even more passionate love, respect and give these people even more control to make them happy. In other words, by fulfilling their wishes, you may be creating a Frankenstein who will return to haunt you with renewed vigor.

An alternative solution is to get negative people to find the sources of their negativity and understand that their negativity is more a reflection of their attitude towards the world than an objective state of affairs. Meanwhile, as I wrote in my other article, people are rarely able to adequately respond to critical statements, and those who are negative, most likely, will not listen to them at all, let alone take them into account.

This leaves you with only three options. First, you can grit your teeth, come face to face with this negativity, and hope that the person in front of you will someday change. The second option is to try to find a professional consultant or intermediary (for example, a mutual friend) and hope that the opinion of a “third party” will help the person to understand that his negativity is not beneficial to anyone.

However, these two options will most likely fail to solve the underlying problem. In the first case, when you grit your teeth and hope that a negatively minded person will eventually begin to perceive the world around him in a positive way, your passivity can serve as proof that his negative is justified. Over time, this will lead to an increase and toughening of requirements in relation to you and, if you find yourself unable to comply with these requirements, to new complaints against you.

One of the arguments against the second course of action is that negative people often tend to avoid solving the problem, hiding behind indignation and the alleged injustice of claims - “everyone around, even mine best friends are against me! " Even if a third party manages to show a negative person that their perception of the world is unproductive, this is unlikely to change the situation. This happens because acknowledging a problem alone is not enough to solve it: for this it is necessary to change the subconscious patterns of thinking that underlie the negative perception of the world.

This leads us to the third and, from my point of view, the most reasonable variant of behavior in the society of negatively minded people. In short, this option involves three elements: empathy for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness, regardless of the negative attitude. loved one and the maturity of your relationship with the negative person.

Rarely, if anything, empathy involves giving the negative person advice to change their behavior. It also completely excludes reading legends about the sources of their negativity. As I wrote above, most of us are not ready to listen to negative and critical statements - especially negative people. It can be quite difficult for you not to react to such a person, especially if their negativity hurts you to the quick. However, remember that if you tell him everything in person, it will not help solve the problem, but will only make it worse. It is also worth remembering that while you only have to deal with a negative person from time to time, he has to deal with himself all the time! This thought can help you feel compassion for that person.

The second element - taking responsibility for your own positive attitude - suggests that you must do everything you can to protect your own happiness. If you fail to maintain a positive attitude and calmness, then all is lost. In one of my articles, I gave some tips on how you can take responsibility for your happiness. In short, this requires you to start thinking more positively about the world around you, but this may not be enough if you have to constantly deal with streams of negativity: you may need regular rest from and communication with a negative person in order to stay calm. Of course, if you want to take a break from it on a regular basis, you have to come up with a plausible explanation - you don't want someone close to you to think that you are avoiding it.

The third element - maturity - implies the understanding that the most effective way to set such a person in a positive way is to become the embodiment of a positive attitude. For example, blaming a negative person for making you see the world around you in dark colors will not help. Imagine the irony of the situation when you advise a person to “stop blaming others for your negative outlook,” while blaming him for ruining your mood.

How can you show your positive attitude towards the world in such a way as to force a negatively minded person to adopt it, without stopping at the same time to lecture and preach?

To do this, you need to learn - as much as possible - to behave like a person who is completely safe. That is, behave like a person whom other people love and respect and who controls all important aspects of the lives of others. This means: do not let the negativity of others interfere with your natural desire to make your dreams come true, do not be afraid to take justified risks, trust other people. However, you should not do all this just in order to annoy a negative person or prove to him that you are right. It is best to behave naturally so that spontaneity, positive attitude, and trust towards other people become your essential traits. Then, if a negative person allows himself to make a skeptical or cynical remark - and he will definitely do it - take the opportunity and explain to him why you are doing this and not otherwise.

For example, if such a person warns you about the futility of your pursuit of a dream, let him know that you perceive your chances of success differently, or tell him that you would rather try and fail than give up your dream altogether. If a negative person warns you of the catastrophic consequences of what you consider to be a justifiable risk, respond calmly: "Well, let's see what happens." Hopefully, you will not incur any losses as a result of this risky venture and gain new valuable experience. Over time, the negative person will have to admit that, although you are in much to a greater extent are inclined to take risks, you are not reckless after all. Finally, if a negative person scolds you for trusting people too much, ask them to remind you of times when others used your gullibility to harm you. (Hopefully, there have been very few or no such cases, because an otherwise negative person may be right in claiming that you are overly gullible.) You can also safely point to research results: to form strong and deep relationships , you need to trust close people. (Hopefully, you can boast of a closer friendship than your interlocutor who perceives the world around you in a negative way.)

While it may take you a long time to see any results, sooner or later they will appear. Change will happen at an extremely slow pace, but if it happens, it will take hold for a long time. The truth is that people like the company of positive people, so even a negative person will sooner or later appreciate your positive attitude towards the world. People also really enjoy experiencing positive emotions. Therefore, if a negative-minded person absorbs your positivity in your presence, at some point he will begin to value himself more, and this, in turn, will lead to the fact that he will begin to trust others more and look to the future with great optimism.

As you've probably figured out by now, dealing with negative people requires humility. The fact that you find overcoming other people's negativity difficult proves that there are seeds of negativity in you. If you didn't feel empty when faced with the negativity of others - if you were absolutely confident in yourself - you would not find the company of negative people so repulsive. Understanding that you need to work on yourself in order to cope with your own negativity, while helping other people in their struggle with a negative outlook, will help you gain the ability to empathize, think positively, and also the maturity that is necessary to complete this difficult but a very necessary task.

According to Eva, she attended two alumni meetings for Last year... On them, she learned that many former classmates and classmates do not want to come to these meetings. The reason is simple: they do not like to talk about their work, considering it bad, and themselves as failed people.

As a result, Eve realized that she shouldn't ask people about their work. Instead of the standard question "Where do you work?" or "How do you make money?" she asks a more neutral: "What are you hobbies about?"

First, the answer to this question leads to a much more interesting conversation. Secondly, an awkward situation is not created if a person is ashamed or, for some reason, does not want to talk about his work. Here are other tips that Eve wrote about on Quora that can help you communicate.

Develop charisma

Olivia Cabane's research showed that charisma is a skill and needs to be developed. As with other skills, this is not easy, but possible. Eva advises to start by paying attention only to the interlocutor during the conversation and try to maintain eye contact. The following tips might also help.

If you want to appear attractive on a date, scare your partner.

In 1974, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted a study. They led a group of men to two bridges. One was wooden and wobbly, the other concrete and sturdy. There were girls at the other end of the bridge. Psychologists asked the men to cross one of the bridges. When the men moved to the other side, the girls gave them their phone number and offered to go on a date.

The men were told that this was the end of the experiment, but nevertheless it was just beginning. The essence of the experiment was to find out how fear and the subsequent action in the form of a call are connected. It turned out that the men who chose the wobbly bridge called more often. Subsequently, it turned out that this was due to the fear experienced: the men had an increased heart rate, they sweated and the body produced adrenaline. But their subconscious believed that all these symptoms were caused by attraction to girls.

Therefore, it is better to arrange an unusual and possibly risky date. Chances are good that you will appear more attractive.

If the interlocutor is bored with you, tell him about it

An annoying neighbor on the plane or someone you are not interested in at a bar will not understand that they are annoying you. And you will experience discomfort from communicating with them and show signs of passive-aggressive behavior. Therefore, tactfully say that you are not interested in the conversation or that you want to do something else.

Forget about maps and GPS

Asking for directions is one of the better ways to meet new people. Do not stare at the cards, but rather ask for directions from a passer-by and maintain eye contact when he answers you. According to Eve, she lost track of the friends she met in this way.

Ask interesting questions

Eva says that one of her best friends recently reminded her of how they met. At the party, Eva immediately asked him a question:

You are not one of these people who only talk about politics?

According to a friend, this allowed them to go through the stage of talking about nothing and immediately jump into an interesting conversation. And that leads us to the next point.

Open up

The study by psychologists Nancy Collins and Lynn Miller involved two groups of students. The first group was asked to split into pairs and get to know each other by asking standard questions: "Where do you work?", "What is your name?", "What films do you like?" The second group was given special tasks. For example, look each other in the eyes for five minutes or ask unexpected questions like, "When was the last time you cried?"

Despite the fact that the members of the second group felt uncomfortable, they subsequently developed a stronger bond than in the first group. From this follows advice: do not be afraid to be unusual and surprise your interlocutor.

Don't be afraid to be rude

Don't be afraid to be rude and say no in situations where it needs to be done. For example, if you refused something that the other person suggested to you, and he continues to insist, he was the first to be rude. This means that you are free to manifest it in response. We overestimate the meaning of the word "no" too much.

Don't be manipulated

Here are the most common techniques:

1. Reciprocal exchange technique. If you want to ask a person for something, then the chance that he will do it is much higher if you have done something for him before.
2. Two requests instead of one. Another technique that comes in handy if you want to ask for something. First you need to ask for more than you need.
3. Anchor technique. When you are told “Most people donated X rubles” or “Most of the employees work Y hours a week”, you are tied to these numbers. You subconsciously do not want to stand out, and it will be easier to manipulate you.
4. Attractiveness. A person who seems attractive to you is much more difficult to refuse. This can also be used.

Our world is imperfect. Some of the people around us are capable of causing irritation and even anger in us. Likewise, we, in turn, can become the cause of the dissatisfaction of other people. We do not like those who constantly gossip, do not understand our humor, climb with stupid questions and unnecessary advice, impose their communication.

Rice. What is the right way to deal with people you don't like?

Surely, everyone wondered how to relate to those who do not evoke sympathy. Meanwhile, smart people communicate not only with those they like, but also with people who are far from being sympathetic to them. However, their communication is structured correctly, they know exactly how to conduct a conversation. So, below are some recommendations for communicating with people who annoy you.

don't ignore

When communicating with people you do not like, you can simply ignore them, swallow their inappropriate jokes, ignore inadequate criticism addressed to you. But experts say that constantly suppressing irritation is unhealthy. The ideal way out is to tactfully make it clear that you cannot "sit on your neck." But you should not completely refuse to communicate with such people. Yes, it’s not easy, but it’s necessary! After all, such people are a kind of catalyst that prompts us to a comprehensive understanding of certain situations that.

Limit your expectations

Many of us, in certain situations, expect from the surrounding actions that we ourselves would have done in similar circumstances. We also expect from other certain words in our address. But all people are different. Everyone has their own life experience and character, which dictates the reaction to the events taking place around them. Therefore, it is foolish to expect other specific actions that you would like to observe in a particular situation.

Be courteous

You should not openly show your antipathy towards a person. Even if he is disgusting to you, show tact and politeness. After all, the interlocutor is guided, first of all, by your attitude towards him and, accordingly, will also relate to you. By being rude, you are likely to receive the same rudeness in return.

Remember, the more polite you communicate, the more tolerant the interlocutors treat you. At the same time, it is very important to be able to properly manage your facial expressions, which you can give out your true attitude towards a person. Therefore, try to perceive the interlocutor as a professional and express a positive attitude towards him with the help of facial expressions.

Analyze yourself

In a conversation with a person you hate, it is important to establish control over your emotions. When communicating, think not about how annoying you are with the interlocutor, but about why you react to it that way. Psychologists have noticed that we often do not accept traits in those around us that are unpleasant to us in ourselves. Hence the conclusion: people we hate do not contribute to the generation of irritation in us, they only awaken it, provoking the mechanisms of anger and anger to work at full capacity.

Talk about your needs

If people you don't like constantly hurt you and you can't deal with your anger, let them know that communicating with them is problematic for you. But don't stoop to accusations and insults. Instead, it is better to use templates such as: "When you ..., then I feel ...". After such a statement, you should take a break and wait for the person's response. Believe me, after such phrases, a person will begin to behave in a different way towards you.

In conclusion, advice: if no methods for getting rid of the strongest irritation when communicating with certain people help, you need to move away from them. Create a distance between yourself and the person you hate. You always have the right to choose with whom to communicate and with whom not ...

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