You now have a lot of negative emotions. We, women, in general, do not live logic, and Sensoric, the perception of the world is sensual, as basically and his knowledge, and our behavior. We are simply necessary for emotions like air. And often because of this, usually we usually create a problem (all the problems of a person in the head), come up, we will believe, I feel heroically overcome it, spending your energy. Relatives are the only people in our lives that cannot be chosen. You can begin at any age to the other profession, change the job, place of residence, change dozens of women / men, to have children, make friends with people, but relatives are always alone. And since you are married, the native husband will always be present in your relationship. Want to establish the situation - turn the relationship to your side. You will be quite difficult to change their and husband of installation and stereotypes, the person changes only if it wants it. You can only change your attitude towards everything and of course behavior by adding the missing emotions, traditions, projects, features ... so do it. Start with yourself. Realize that your family is only your territory of happiness, it is completely separate and does not depend on anyone. The events that occur in it, nobody outsider, even relatives, has no right to comment, change, give advice and especially to put forward some requirements. Start slowly change the rules for the functioning of your family as an independent. Perhaps you are depending on my husband's parents financially, they periodically help you. Think whether this help is worth your nerves. Everything is in your hands, do not deepen the conflict. Suspended life is not a reason for hostilities. Act non-standard, start as early as possible. Discuss in the family circle the order of interaction during the period of living, let each quietly formulate their conbizes. It takes certain responsibilities. Talk to my husband. Let this conversation occurs in a calm state, with a good mood, alone and in a romantic atmosphere. Tell me first that you love him very much, respect, appreciate, he is expensive for you and is important, you also feel about it to his loved ones, but ... more your family will not live in old familiar laws. Now calmly and confidently, without emotions and reproes, offer your family vision option. He must understand that everything is very serious, find warm words, he is close to you and if he loves, will agree at least try a new model of relationships. Do not justify anything in anything, in this conversation - listen, suffer, hug, because you are close and loving people, for everyday bustle forgetting about how the roads are each other. And yet, the first thing you need to change is complete autonomy, offer your husband to you to start to earn additionally - by the hour, in the evening, on the Internet, as you like, just to become independent materially. So he will have less time and desire to explain each step by mom, coordination of decisions plus will make it possible to feel stability in the material plan, self-confidence as a man, responsibility for the family, the opportunity to delight you. Work on relationships does not occur in one reception, this is a long process. But the result is worth it is harmony, mutual understanding, love, trust, respect, support. Try and everything will work out. Perhaps not everything suits your situation, but in general, I hope the concept is clear. And most importantly, at last, do not expect anything from my husband, do not try to be there the best, meaningful, first. They should not need you, as, by the way, you are. Just live your life, rejoice, appreciate your husband and your relationship, try to bring joy in them, warmth, love, tenderness. Get on your family, reorient for your interests. As soon as you understand that you can be happy regardless of the opinions, investments, support, the advice of his family, you will immediately become easier to breathe literally. For detailed advice, contact the chat - scientific how to accept yourself, understand, love, you will not hurt at least one consultation to arrange accumulated emotions on the shelves. Do not forget to evaluate the answers. All are good.

Good day. I was interested in your answer "You now have a lot of negative emotions. We, women, do not live logic in general, and Sensorika, ..." to the question http: // www .. Can I discuss this answer with you?

Level of human or circumstances, as well as a way to punish another personality. Often the expression is found: "Ignoring is one of the oldest types of emotional violence." Talk about it more.

What includes the concept of "ignoring"

First of all, ignoring is (in psychology) avoidance. A person is aware of the presence of an unpleasant impact, but decides not to pay attention to it. He remembers the troubles, aware of their presence, and just trying to make it so that in no case cross the factors that can deliver information on the ignorable occasion. This can intentionally happen: the girl "does not notice" the guy who is tired of his courtesies or something like that. But there are situations when a person is unconsciously removed from the problem.

The best painless option, or ignoring - one of the oldest types of emotional violence?

There are options when ignoring can help in life situations, and when it acts in an absolutely opposite direction. Do not focus on small everyday issues that cannot entail serious consequences. Remember that ignoring is the type of emotional violence, if the child was stained with clothes on the street. What is more expensive to you - your little man or some flap rags?

Relevance of ignoring

For example, mother-in-law responded somehow roughly to the question of daughter-in-law. It is worth thinking whether it is typical behavior or a man is tired, was annoyed and did not control his behavior. If the last, then why focus on this attention and respond to aggression aggression. It will be wiser to miss the rudeness by the ears. But if this is the norm for the above mother-in-law and it consciously displays to conflict, it means there is a problem of problematic situation that needs to be solved for the possibility of normal communication. Serious problems are categorically not recommended to ignore. Having pulled off from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means they will remain and eventually turn extra, even more cloging the situation by the facts.

The same mother-in-law, for some reason, dissatisfied with the daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness, to include other members of the family circle into the conflict, until the breakfast strength comes to no. As a result - a grand scandal or, worse, a quiet wilt of the daughter-in-law because of the fear of a frank conversation and solving a problem with mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be banal fear: the fear of failure, the fear of losing the problem of time, money.

Matrix ignoring

Kin Mellor and Eric Sigmund had once developed a scheme of matrix definition of degree and ignoring object. Three different criteria are considered: level, area, type.

Ignoring levels in this case are considered four. It:

Presence ignores the availability of solving the problem as a whole);

Its significance (understanding of the presence of a solution, but in advance denial of its effectiveness);

Changing the possibilities (understanding of the presence of a solution, but the advance refusal to apply it);

Personal abilities (the impossibility of performing a possible solution due to a personal unacceptable attitude towards such a way).

Ignoring regions There are three: "I", other people, the situation.

Ignoring types - incentive, opportunity and problem.

According to these three criteria, the matrix is \u200b\u200bobtained:

Using this matrix, it is possible to detect at what level the problem is ignored, and in a respective way to influence the person to encourage problems finding a problem. The search for the "focus" should be started from the top row, the leftmost cell, and then descend diagonally.

Ignoring is emotional violence.

How did they reach this conclusion? Often, people intentionally ignore each other with the goal to punish their inattention. For a guy who guessed, will be painfully indifferent to his attempts of reconciliation from the girl. The boss can apply the same tactics to the subordinate, allowing the lack of work, ignoring his attempts to rehabilitate. Thus, the person who is ignored, in the end, can feel like an empty place or become broken, if it does not stop avoiding it in time. Think carefully before it is to punish your neighbor: it will not be worse from this, and you also. Ignoring is one of the oldest types of emotional violence, and the benefits of it rarely happens more than harm. Any difficult situation needs to be addressed: through a conversation or by using other persons - any ways, but not inactive. An adequate analysis of the situation will make it clear whether it is necessary to use ignoring, one of the oldest types of emotional violence, or to take advantage of more subtle techniques that do not apply to psycho-emotional harm to a person. Consider several situations with which you can understand where ignoring is applicable.

"Ignore" is useful when ...

Man is exormably stupid. Yes, you have not retreated, decided to act, bring reasonable arguments, explanations, but the opponent simply does not understand them. You are driving over the problem day, week, month, leading all old and new facts, but no result. Is it worth spending even more time and strength or better to choose?

If you delve into the essence of nonsense, the clinging out of the mouth only closes your own brain and spoil the mood. Grandma who clutched to a young man in a taxi with stories that he looks uncomfortable, and a verbal fountain about how it was "in my time," you can ignore. Without receiving an answer to your ardent speech, she will lose interest. In anyone has the right to look, as he wishes himself. Want a guy torn jeans - let him wear, even though the skirt puts on. It's his choice.

The problem is insignificant, and acceleration on it can lead to a negative result. The child used the "bad" word. The first time it should be ignored, because I have not seen any reaction from my parents, a child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens constantly, it is worth solving the problem by a calm conversation using different techniques, according to the child's age.

Do not overdo it. Everywhere is important

Ignoring is the oldest view of emotional violence, but you should not bring it to his even older "brother" - indifference. You can be so captivated in order to stay at a distance from the problems that you really will become anyway. For example, permanent ignoring the father of home problems - at first due to fatigue, and then in a habit, but they are not worried about him, "let the wife disassemble." Yes, others will be able to find a solution for themselves, and not the fact that it will satisfy you. But you will be all the same.

Question to a psychologist:

I have long noticed that outsiders (few familiar) people, so to speak, ignore. For example, the case when I stand in the wardrobe of the theater, stretching the number, and 2 more people are suitable with numbers, then you will take a number first with them, then I have. In this case, the incident was present familiar and she noted this ignore from the side of the wardrobe, calling it (as I understood) in some psychological term. What she said, I do not know, and, honestly, he was slightly taken away from her words, and she did not explain, distracted by the child.

Or stand in line, ahead of me a man and for me. The seller serving the first, listens to the questions of the latter, I'm trying (not quietly whisper, but it is quite confident to your attention) to restore justice (service in turn) I get a couple of weeks attention, and then the seller switches to the next one.

At the parent meeting, parents ask the question and their teacher hears, responds in detail, and I seem to be invisible. I ask once a few times, a fleeting answer and further attention to others. I go to the teacher after, eyes in the eye, so to speak, but other parents are also near. I ask the question, I heard me with the third time, the fleeting answer and the teacher simply turns away and listens to others, although our conversation is not over. There are many situations in which I feel invisible, and why I can not understand. And I have a bright look quite bright, and not intimidated mouse completely, but to attract attention is very hard, and sometimes it does not work at all. What it is? In my life I am a sociable person. Well acquaintances and friends love me and appreciate. I have a good sense of humor, I know how interesting to tell with a large crowd of people. But it's all with friends. In someone else's society I ignore me. I am married, there is a daughter. In the family, I respect and appreciate, listen and are advised. Help to figure out and take action, because it bothers it very much even in a career (again they do not hear my opinions or do not want to listen), and often it happens true. And just unpleasant. Thank you for your attention and hope that I clearly interpreted my problem.

The question is answered by the psychologist Avanesov Stella Tigranovna.

Hello, Janina!

What you like and appreciate those who are well aware of the indicator of what your life has developed successfully and safely. If we talk about extraneous or unfamiliar people, the situation here comes out the opposite. They do not know you and therefore ignore. Each person thinks how he will look in the eyes of others, therefore it is not particularly clearer in terms of care. Of course, when friendly relationships are installed, it is already out.

All the first impressions are judged by how accustomed to perceive people on the basis of their personal experience or character. And expect that we immediately and all from the first second should love, pay maximum attention absurd. And then the moment: the brighter the man looks outwardly and in general by nature, the people will "elude" and bypass such personalities by attention, because the leadership feel at the unconscious level. And do not forget that at first everyone wants to make the impression. But when becoming closer, then the opposite is stretching to such a person.

Still think for what you need the attention of unknown people? For self-affirmation and promotion of own significance? Well, why, if all this you have. Share your attention, your time and then get the same in response. Or, why do you want all unquestioned your advice at work? So that again fucked by pride or do you want a senior position? Perhaps you have good abilities and then it would be nice to keep any group of people, or produce our methods, articles, or find a hobby in interest, there you will reveal yourself and find and see the fruits of your talents.

Human ignoring - emotional violence and not only

July 2, 2016 - 4 comments

In psychology there is a phenomenon that we call "human ignoring". How can psychological ignoring be manifested in communication between people? Is it possible to call full ignoring a person with emotional violence?

Ignoring is a multifaceted phenomenon. Therefore, the answers to these questions will be ambiguous.

Causes of human ignoring

Consider the reasons for ignoring a person from the point of view of the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Groups of congenital desires and mental properties are called vectors, there are only eight of them. Each vector sets its owner of the ability to certain activities, its type of thinking and the system of values.

Such a psychological reception, like human ignoring, people with different vectors are used differently. Ignoring can have different reasons and motivation. Sometimes it is a resentment or just disinterest. Also ignore the person can in order to teach, mock, just suffer. Consider every case.

It is necessary to clarify that ignoring may also be lack of interest in people in principle. This happens to the owner of the sound vector, because subconsciously he feels "above all." In addition, the sound is so immersed in himself that he simply does not see others. He is engaged in reflections on the meaning of life. Such a person in the team is considered arrogant and strange. But in this case, the full ignoring of some person's sound is not a psychological technique, but a feature of the worldview.

Human ignoring: benefit - benefit

Some will ignore the person who simply will no longer need and never for anything. It is the material used, and you can go past him, as if it was an empty place. Such people are found among the owners of the skin vector. For them, the main "benefit-benefit" is therefore wasting emotions, even in the form of a simple "Hello".

Skin, as the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, can save on feelings. He may ignore the requests of his relatives about the emotional intimacy and the manifestation of heat in the relationship. The child, in his opinion, does not need to pamper, and the wife should know that he loves her. At the same time, he gets pleasure from the very fact of restriction and refusal. "No" and "Cannot" are the keywords of the leather.

To punish ignoring for the performed, in his opinion, offense - the leather can also. After all, it is necessary to somehow comply with the law in a separate cell of society: family or working team. Ignoring a person, in this case, is one of the ways of coercion to obedience.

Psychological ignoring - I want to hurt

Fully ignore a person are capable of some people with anal vector. Owners of the anal vector from nature are given a phenomenal memory. According to the system-vector psychology, Yuri Burlan, they are focused on the past of the past to fully transmit experience and knowledge to the subsequent generations accumulated by humanity.

But when a person begins to live last, it slows down. And in the past - insults and offensive. And he will remember them for a long time. The reasons are different - slippers were not on the spot, not a dinner was prepared on time, received not enough attention. He will find a million reasons for being offended.

Unfortunately, in order to ignore a person, some of these people go into silence, thus demonstrating their offense. Although the offender is actually not an offender at all, because he did not want to offend. Such stories occur most often in families between husband and wife or parents and children.

It is important, with which intention a person with an anal vector decided to ignore another person. If he wants to hurt, causing suffering, then this can be called emotional violence or a type of sadism. In this way, he seeks to take revenge on his offender, punish it. Most often, he punishes such close people.

Immediately make a reservation: in this article, there is a word about children and parents, because it is a separate topic. And not a word about the elderly or sick relatives, followed by care, is a too difficult question, to respond to which it is in an individual order.

Let's talk about a long family.

They live at the other end of the country, the relationship between you can find only meticulous genetics. This is generally in other people's people with whom you would not make friends, but they are your relatives, so you communicate with them. And they climb into your life, spoil plans and mood. And only a helpful connection prevents you from permanently refuse to communicate with them. Although sometimes it is necessary to do this.

Lifehaker tried to find out what to do in such cases, and collected real stories from the life of acquaintances. They did not want to show their photos, but shared the experience of difficult communication with relatives.

Why can't say no

It seems that the problem of relatives is contrived. Well, who prevents from refuse to make an uncomfortable request, make a comment in response to a tactless question, to miss the ears of anyone.

People who may have any problems with relatives and not. But most often it turns out that the most polite, educated and conscientious sufferers suffer from relatives. It does not work simply to take and, interfere with the installed installation:

• They are relatives.
• So not accepted.
• It is not polite.
• With relatives are so impossible.
• Relatives need to help.

Familiar? These are the rules that are not easy to cross. Once this attitude towards the family was the key to survival, and the memory of those times was preserved in the upbringing and traditions.

But for some reason, annoying laws can be violating unjustned laws.

It is difficult to say whether to maintain relationships with people who do not like. For example, the family is going on holidays at one table, and among relatives there is a person who is unpleasant to you (Colak, cousin, Shurin - does not matter). Then you need to try to somehow step over your rejection, but it is usually easy, one evening will suffer enough forces.

But if this chat becomes regular, it is not worth raping. No related ties are our crushed, unspoken emotions that we hide under the mask of related love. This is a direct path to psychosomatics: hypertension, problems with a heart, with a gastrointestinal tract or even something worse.

Emotions will be prompted, whether to endure. Mood spoiled? Hands dropped and wanted to cry, although there is no reason? Irritation is that I want to break something or scream? A wave of hatred rises from the inside, and after all, it seems to be a trifle some happened? This is the very signs when the psyche flashes :. But we rarely apply to themselves as often as other people. Try to understand, just not relatives, and yourself!

Inna Semikasheva

It is necessary to realize: if a person behaves tactlessly and ugly, he first went beyond family communication, so your polite "no" will not spoil the relationship. Because there is nothing to spoil.

Easy to say, but how to do it? It depends on what your relatives do.

Blackmail

Blackmailing in family life is more common than in the movie.

When relatives require something in exchange for their location, it is blackmail. For example, when there is an apartment to you, but for the living space you will have to fight with other potential heirs, showing who loves the aunt more. Sometimes blackmail acquires particularly perverted forms.

When Lesha gathered to marry, he was told: aunt's aunt took an apartment to the bride, so he needs to loving the light, respect, congratulate and invite to visit.

After the first meeting, it became clear that aunt of light was a catastrophe. Easy, an uncompatible lover of alcohol and scandals. She called him late in the evening or during working hours to get a dose of attention and be sure to remind you that it should be obeying.

Lesha lasted two years, and then sent aunt the light at a well-known address. A week later, the apartment was rewritten on someone from more prickly relatives.

Since then, Lesha has not seen. And happy.

You can get rid of the blackmail in just one way - to eliminate the subject of blackmail. If these are material values, then get your own.

It is not easy, but our nerves and time - the resource is much more valuable than money. For myself it is worth trying.

Requirement of love

People who put something in us require in response to the same. For example, we looked after the children when they were small. But the children grew up, and the elders demand in response to love, respect and attention.

I raised you up, I did not sleep because of you, and you drove on the train!

M / f "Vacation in Prostokvashino"

Related feelings are not issued in the hospital. And love is not a duty. But if you do not give the kind of desired, the pressure begins on the feeling of guilt, that is, the conversations go to the same blackmail, only emotional.

There is human gratitude, norms and traditions, conscience in the end, because of which you do not stop communication. But no obligations will make you love you to love. Twist communication to the state when your conscience sleeps calmly, and often remember that the senses on the team do not appear.

Please help or give a debt

"We are relatives." Under this pretext, they most often want money, services and any actions, which will be paid sometime. If there are. After all, the relative connection itself is a good fee for any business (in their opinion).

It is difficult to refuse to not offend anyone. But there is a risk that you will sit on the neck.

Dima has a classic situation. Dima moved to Moscow. Guess what happened next? The invasion of distant relatives who gathered from him to settle. When Uncle decided that Dimina Apartment is the best place to find work in the capital (no compensation for the cost of removable housing or at least municipal speech speech, of course), Dima took off another apartment and changed the phone number. Everything went well half a year, but recently the parents passed the new number to relatives who need to spend several days in Moscow.

How to deny relatives who are imposed with requests? Make it so that they think that they themselves do not want your help.

For example, voice the conditions on which you will do anything.

• Of course, come, you can immediately for a month, I just have a problem with money, pay half the cost of housing. This is 15 thousand rubles.
• Of course I will help you show you the city, only after midnight it works little, but before midnight I'm busy.
• Of course I will give. When is it convenient for you to go to the notary and make a receipt?

Another way to refuse so as not to offend - immediately ask for a response service, preferably the same. Only designate the time to which the relative will have to return "Duty", preferably as soon as possible. No "somehow later."

• Yes, I will help you with moving, just I will bring you a cat - I'm learing on vacation, so look behind the animals.
• I postponed money for repairs, I can give you a debt, but repairs already goes, so come instead of movers to carry garbage, because I will not be enough for movers now.

Just keep in mind that such methods are not for healthy relationships and peace all over the world.

In these examples, no polite "no" sounds, but something completely different, close to manipulation. And I assume that the offense will be in this case many times more than if you directly refuse.

Inna Semikasheva

Rudeness

"Why don't you have a car, don't you know how to earn?", "Why didn't you get to the mortgage, there is no on the apartment?", "Why aren't you in a skirt?", "Why not you have a groom?", "What don't you marry ? " - The content of questions is different, the meaning is one: look carefully how you do not live, not what I am (or my children).

And always in the soul growing the desire to cover this relative with a three-story mat, but the internal obstacles are too strong.

Lena among numerous relatives was something like an exhibition instance. He studied on perfectly and received medals and diplomas than her parents constantly bragged. Whether for this reason, or even somehow, but relatives staged a unklassing competition "Get Lena". Let's noticed any slip. That dress is too boring, I did not get married, it came out, but not so, then something else. Already adulted Lena asked what she would not give birth to the second child, because not small already.

Lena asked for the first time, why aunt so worries this question: "Why do you ask? Do you think that my husband and I do not know how to have sex? Or do you want to remind us that we do not have enough money? Or do you think we have health problems, do you want to hit the patient once again? What do you want to hear in response? Date of alleged childbirth? Just honestly? "

I did not receive an answer, but also to ask stopped.

Do not restrain, otherwise the dam will quickly or later break through, and this will lead to an emotional scandal. Tell me all you think, but without obscene vocabulary.

Adult and correct method - voice your feelings. Indeed, in this case, relatives play the game on Eric Burna: their "candy" is that they will bring a man of themselves, but at the same time he will smile. You can take away "candy" by saying right: "Sorry, but it is unpleasant to me when you talk about it (ask)." And nothing else to explain. Looking into the eyes and calm tone. No longer climb.

Inna Semikasheva

This is a kind of rudeness, only a little more covered by care. No one asks questions, but everyone distributes the advice that you do not need.

With such a form of obsessive attention to fight in two ways. The first is to constantly smile and agree with wisdom, formally, of course. But for this you need an excerpt and reinforced concrete confidence, otherwise self-esteem will suffer. The second way is to distribute tips in response. Immediately, without waiting for the question.

Not a single family holiday Alla did without advice, as faster to marry. Especially Boyko proven ways offered women who had family life was far from ideal. When Alla was tired of nodding her head, she began to say that he learned the accurate recipe that would help me to cure her husband from alcoholism. Or that psychologists discovered how to wean a man change. After such, the advice switches on the complaint, and Alla can breathe calmly.

Although if other people's advice hurt you hard, then perhaps this is a signal that the relatives hit the patient. Remember this moment and decide the inner problem, then the relative chatter will become indifferent.

Easy worse than theft

This includes an extensive category of people who are poorly brought up. "Achotakova?" - An ordinary question when they see your pale face.

Until now, Olga's terrible dreams sees a huge tea set, bought by a relative in the distant market. Otherwise, how nauseous this service is not called. From an unknown polymer, with "gold" and patterns that should mean "wealth". Price tag, however, the relative has not reached.

Olga was not offended. Well, here is a relative idea of \u200b\u200bbeautiful. She wanted like better.

Examples mass. These are mandatory congratulations on religious holidays from people who do not care that you are another religion (because there are no others in their world, they are not specifically). Mandatory (and disgusting) poems on birthdays. Duty gifts. Stupid traditions.

As long as it does not make harm, forgive people their minor drawbacks. Perhaps on their part you look like a snob and a task that is not better at all.

Not all relatives are friends

Someone might think that all native people are glowing chams that are just waiting for the moment to hit the patient. Of course, this is not. But with truly native people, in fact, close, such problems and does not occur.

Although annoying relatives are an indicator of attitude towards himself. If you can not calmly say "no" or stop the unpleasant conversation, think about it: what bothers you? Why do you obey and tolerate the lunges in your side? How deeply buried your self-esteem and confidence if you are not ready to miss it by ears? Answers to these questions will help more than sending relatives into a black list.