Center for crisis psychological assistance. Orthodox psychologist and his clients. Please tell us how you came to this work

Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky is a famous Russian crisis psychologist, the initiator of the organization of a special center in Moscow at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ (near the Baumanskaya and Semenovskaya metro stations) and its director.

Biography

Mikhail Igorevich born in 1969. Married, has a son.

As for his profession, in the past he was a police major. He received his education as a psychologist at the Academy of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs. Has experience working with children suffering from cancer.

Orthodox psychologist, initiator of the development of such a direction in modern psychology as psycho-oncology.

About the Center for Crisis Psychology

This is one of the earliest institutions of this type. Created over 10 years ago. The crisis center employs the best Orthodox psychologists who help almost everyone who comes with any issue (problems in relationships in families, fears and obsessive thoughts, violence, natural disasters, stress, and so on). Help is provided here for both adults and children, both believers (of different religious groups) and atheists.

The attitude of the staff towards everyone is equal, regardless of what kind of payment the person who applied was able to allocate and whether he allocated it at all.

According to crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky, the best reward for work is sincere gratitude and the shining eyes of the healed person.

Activity

This outstanding person, in addition to his main activities aimed at serving God through direct help to people, is also the author of many books, publications, and interviews.

Many of his articles are translated and published in English, Ukrainian, German, Romanian, Chinese and Serbian.

Conducts on-site seminars with practical work, teaches, and promotes spiritual knowledge through the Internet.

Professional interests

The activities of psychologist Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky are aimed at providing:

1. Psychological assistance to adults who are experiencing separation or divorce from a loved one.
2. Rehabilitation assistance for those who are experiencing stress from the loss of a loved one (death).
3. Support for patients suffering from complex somatic illnesses.
4. Help to prevent suicide through certain psychological work.
5. Victims in the territory of military operations, natural disasters, terrorist attacks.
6. Help for adults and children who have experienced an extreme traumatic situation.

• carrying out work via Skype, promoting information about spiritual values ​​through an Internet resource;
• organization of volunteer activities;
• carrying out work in a segment of the social psychology section - crowd psychology.

Books and publications

Each publication of the crisis psychologist Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky is the stages of his formation as a person, an outstanding personality, a psychologist. And although some of them were written quite a long time ago, they are still relevant today, since they reflect pressing issues of modern society.

About books by Mikhail Khasminsky by topic:

Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky about freedom

In the usual understanding of this word, freedom means the absence of any limiting factors that may affect decision-making, action, and so on.

But a person lives in a social environment that periodically changes over the course of his life. And he would like to feel absolutely free from other people and their influences, but this cannot be completely, since every human being is part of society.

According to psychologist Khasminsky, real freedom is freedom from attachments to money, power, and the opinions of others. That is, from the so-called passions in the Bible.

True freedom comes to a person when he learns the truth, which makes him free. And there can be only one dependence in life - from a loving Heavenly Father.

About infantility

Also, according to Mikhail Khasminsky, a problem has arisen in modern society regarding the infantilism of adults. Especially men.

There are several reasons for this. The very first and most important are single-parent families, where sons are often raised by their mother (and grandmothers). This is precisely what gives rise to the problem of infantility in a growing boy. After all, responsibility must be learned from early childhood. Then every man will be mature and adult.

According to the psychologist, a simple method of observation helps to distinguish a truly adult person from an infantile one: if a person comes to a rehabilitation center (or church) as if for help, but at the same time does nothing, but only pours out mental problems and looks for someone to If you would place all responsibility for yourself and your life, then this is a clear sign of immaturity.

As a rule, during consultations certain practical tasks are given that need to be completed. And when a person does something (even if it doesn’t work out very well), wants to truly change, then you can help him, and this already indicates some maturity.

Dear friends!

The author is the head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarchal Compound of the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya, Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky (you can read more below), who has vast many years of practical experience in crisis and family psychology.

The cycle is designed for those who want to get married, who already have problems in their marriage, who do not have normal relationships with loved ones, who have fallen into love addiction, as well as for those who want to understand exactly how to create a family in the future. relationships. The seminar will also be of interest to those who are going through a period of separation or divorce.

In just a few months you will learn the most important things for building or saving a family, make new friends, and gain invaluable experience. Important rules will be discussed in detail to prevent a relationship crisis and help overcome it if it occurs, and interesting life situations will also be analyzed. In addition to heartfelt conversations, there will be interesting tests, as well as practical assignments. During the seminars, meaningful, specific advice and recommendations will be given for each specific case. Students will receive answers to questions not only within the course, but also in individual consultations with the author of the seminars.

Seminars are based on lectures, trainings, various interesting tests, projective techniques, analysis of specific situations and informal communication. For example, after a seminar there is always a traditional tea party with discussion

The classes are fun, meaningful, not boring, and most importantly interesting.

Without what foundation the family will not be strong;

Who can become your soul mate?

What is the difference between love and love addiction;

What is betrayal, jealousy, fear, guilt, and how to take control of them;

How to properly relate to feelings and emotions, what is their role in a person’s life;

What is harmony and happiness in the family and how to achieve them;

How to cope with separation and divorce;

How to overcome obsessive destructive thoughts;

How to forgive grievances and avoid conflicts;

How not to get caught, and if you do get caught, how to get out of secondary benefits and imaginary dead ends;

What are the characteristics of the victim’s behavior in the family,

What types of manipulations exist between husband and wife and ways to counter them;

How and where is it better to meet people to start a family;

Safe psychotherapeutic techniques for every day

Men and women of all ages and religions (or lack thereof) are welcome.

People who are experiencing serious relationship conflict may benefit most from coming together rather than alone.

The number of participants is limited (maximum 17 people)

The “Stop Rule” will be in effect at all times - each participant has the right to tell anything to the other members of the group solely at their own request.

Seminars will be held weekly on Wednesdays from 19.00 to 22.00 for 3 months

Organizational fee per person for each lesson - 500 rubles.

Venue: Moscow, Semenovskaya metro station, Izmailovskoe highway, 2 (500 m from Semenovskaya metro station)

You can sign up for the group, ask or clarify your questions by calling 8-909 978 5881.

As soon as the group is formed, you will be called back in advance and invited to the first lesson.

Waiting for you!

Reference: Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky

Head of the Center for Crisis Psychology, created with the blessing of His Holiness Patriarch Alexy II at the Patriarchal Compound of the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya in 2006.

Orthodox crisis psychologist. Editor-in-Chief of the online magazine “Russian Orthodox Psychology”. Editor-in-Chief of the website Memoriam.ru.

Member of the Association of Oncopsychologists of Russia.

Leading expert of the portals of practical crisis Orthodox psychology memoriam.ru and boleem.com. perejit.ru, pobedish.ru vetkaivi.ru and other group sites (with a total average traffic of 50,000 unique visitors daily). This group of sites is the main one in the provision of psychological assistance in the Russian-language segment of the Internet.

Co-author and author of more than 11 popular books, as well as many publications and interviews on Orthodox psychology. Compiler of a series of books for those experiencing grief. Many materials on crisis Orthodox psychology have been translated and published in English, Romanian, Chinese, Ukrainian, and German. The book “Siguran Oslonac u Krizi” was published in Serbian, consisting of articles, interviews and publications.

http://foma.ru/psiholog-v-hrame.html

The oldest Center for Crisis Psychology, created with the blessing of Patriarch Alexy II 10 years ago, is located next to the Semenovskaya metro station, at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ. Highly professional Orthodox psychologists serve here who have already helped thousands of people overcome such terrible, but, alas, typical phenomena of our time as divorces, separations, family crises and troubles. People come here when they are grieving the loss of loved ones, or when they learn about their own serious illness. People experience shock from physical or psychological violence, experience mental suffering associated with participation in hostilities, natural disasters, catastrophes, acts of terrorism, forced migration, hazing in the army, crimes against the person, experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder, etc. They help adults and children, members of any religious denomination, people of little faith, doubters and atheists. The main payment, remuneration for the assistance provided by the center’s employees, is, according to the permanent head of the center, M.I. Khasminsky, the joy of the fact that, with the assistance of Christ, you can see how a person overcomes the hell within himself, how his gaze clears, how a long-awaited sincere smile appears. We are talking with Mikhail Igorevich, editor-in-chief of the online magazine “Russian Orthodox Psychology”, chief expert of the group of sites “Survive!”, member of the Association of Oncology Psychologists of Russia, compiler of a series of books for those experiencing grief, author of publications and interviews, as well as co-author of popular books on crisis psychology , many of which were translated and published in Serbian, English, Romanian, Chinese, Ukrainian, German, by the presenter of seminars and trainings on practical crisis and Orthodox psychology - about the rules of operation of the center he heads, about the reasons why thousands of people come here, about men-boys who cannot grow up, about the importance of an honest and kind smile for a Christian, about the fact that being afraid of your opinion is not always a sign of Christian humility, and about much more.

M.I. Khasminsky immediately said: “The provision of assistance in our center has nothing to do with the amount of the donation (or its complete absence). If you have a difficult financial situation, then this should under no circumstances stop you from receiving psychological help. The center’s employees primarily perceive their work as serving God, and not making money.”

When help is helpful

– Mikhail Igorevich, after ten years of working at the Center for Crisis Psychology, you probably feel like a squeezed lemon? So much horror befalls you and the center’s specialists every day! What keeps you going no matter what?

– Probably, first of all, these are the results of assistance. After all, to see that it has become easier for a person, that he has moved away from the edge, that he has begun to live, despite the most severe crisis, you must agree, it is pleasant. In addition, for example, thanks to the work of the center, we even have several married couples. One day, a young man, in despair, already close to suicide, went to our website “Pobedish.ru”. I read stories there, talked to other people, and then came for a consultation at our center. I came several times and met a girl who also had serious problems in her life. But in the end they turned out to be a wonderful couple, a family where everyone supports and loves each other, and the baby is growing. Another girl came when her mother was dying. The prognosis was most disappointing. I understood perfectly well that for such a pure, smart, bright girl, who had no one except her dying mother, after her death it would be extremely difficult for her to be alone. And he introduced her to one of the activists of our anti-suicide website “Pobedish.ru”. Once again it was a wonderful union. I named these pairs offhand, but there are others - they became such “unaccounted for” results of the center’s work.

– A very good “side effect”.

“But, of course, this is not what we base our main ministry on.” We still do not have a dating agency, although in principle even Orthodox dating clubs sometimes cannot boast of such results.

The roots of many problems are in infantility

– By the way, about Orthodox dating clubs. What is your attitude towards them?

– It is clear that Orthodox Christians need to get acquainted somewhere, and such places should exist, but it seems to me that the mere fact of acquaintance is not enough. It is better for Orthodox people to get to know Orthodox people in order to create Orthodox families, so such clubs are needed.

But we must take into account that often people come to them who in life experience enormous difficulties in communication, in building communications with the outside world and people suffering from neuroses; There are also those who come to assert themselves, being in a certain delusion, or even pride: “I am a special Orthodox Christian, run around me, give me something special, something that corresponds to my special status.” Not all of them are ready to sacrifice for the sake of an honest, serious relationship, but they are always ready to use what falls naturally into their hands. In addition, say, if a person comes with psychological problems in the hope of solving them in such a society, but declaring that he wants to start a family, then, most likely, the problem will not go away, and may even intensify, as well as his own exaltation. That is, when in dating clubs it is not so much about getting to know each other, but about trying to solve one’s own psychological problems, then this is wrong.

– Are they somehow interconnected – psychological problems and pride?

– Not always, but very often the psychological state is determined by the spiritual. And this is not surprising, because the root cause is sin. At the very least, committed sin is a common cause of mental illness. Sin, after all, gives rise to pride, passions, and experiences, which then manifest themselves in such psychological states.

– That is, there is often a relationship, but sometimes it is not visible at all? Sometimes it's very subtle, and in some cases it's really non-existent?

– It cannot be said that only the spiritual state affects mental health. A person’s mood, his goals and objectives, maturity, responsibility, and sometimes his past experience, especially the ability to overcome some difficulties and give in, also influence. Because, returning to the dating club, if a man is childish and afraid of responsibility, then what’s the point of going to such clubs? He will still be afraid of responsibility. He is not ready to responsibly start a family. Well, I met you. They've been getting to know each other for years. They get to know everyone until they get to know everyone. The point is not at all about dating, but about the fact that the man is childish. He's still like a child.

– Are there many such infantile guys now?

– Now there are a lot of them. What do you want? For a man to be responsible, he must learn to bear this responsibility from childhood. And if he is raised, for example, in a single-parent family by one mother? If he doesn't see, how should an authoritative father behave? Moreover, if everyone around him is jumping around, pleasing him, shaking over him... Those around him do not insist that he follow certain rules, commandments, and live according to them. In the family it’s the same as in the army: what could a spoiled conscript learn if, for example, he joins the army, and “grandfathers”, officers, warrant officers and generals start jumping around him? Agree, he won’t learn anything. The situation is absurd. But, unfortunately, it is repeated in many of our families.

Egocentrism looks exactly like this and brings up exactly the kind of boys that neither the army nor the family can be proud of. Let's take a typical, egregious, in my opinion, everyday example: a bus in any city in central Russia. Who usually sits in the seats and who stands next to them? That's right: children and men are sitting, and grandparents are standing. Children are not taught respect for age; grown men are allowed to feel small, weak and defenseless. This in many ways leads to family problems.

Infantility is also very harmful in the Church: such a person goes to the Church not to seek God, but to be controlled

In addition, this infantilism of a person greatly harms him in the Church. After all, it turns out that he goes to Church not for the sake of searching for the meaning of life and God, but in order to be controlled, to be relieved of responsibility, because he himself has not learned to bear it. Cannot take responsibility for his life. So he goes for every sneeze “to be blessed by the priest.” His father finds himself in the role of a father, solving all his problems for him, and in the end this often leads to bad consequences.

– Isn’t such a role harmful for the priest himself?

– Almost always harmful. But sometimes the priest cannot refuse this role; he is drawn into it. This happens because sometimes he cannot say: “You know, your question does not relate to spiritual life, so you decide for yourself.” If a priest is approached with a question, then he thinks that he should help in some way, participate. If someone asks you a question on the street, do you consider it your duty to somehow answer? And in church, too, the question is often asked in such a way that the priest is forced to answer. But not every priest can understand the psychological characteristics of a person, understand why this person has such a request, why, let’s say, he comes at all. That is, this is such a complex, subtle question - to separate the spiritual from the mental, the psychological from the mental. But this is a topic for a separate, complex and large conversation.

In our center we do not provide spiritual support to people. We can only help solve the psychological problem and refer to an experienced priest who will help solve the problem of a spiritual nature, but only together with the sufferer himself, if he wishes. It’s like in a hospital: a neurologist cannot take on the responsibilities of a surgeon, and a surgeon cannot take on the functions of an endocrinologist. They all work together and hold consultations in severe cases. This is the most successful form of joint activity for the benefit of the patient. And the same thing happens here.

– But treatment often implies that the patient himself must not only understand his illness, but also work on healing it.

- This is, of course, true, because if a person doesn’t want anything, if he just wants to come and find free ears, a free “vest”, just complain so that he can be heard, then there is little benefit here. I always give consultations that include some tasks. By the way a person solves them, it is clear what he actually wants. If he wants some changes, he will work on tasks, and then you can discuss with him what he is doing wrong, maybe something is not working out, but in any case, there is already something to discuss. And if he comes: “oh, no, no, I’ll sit on the sidelines,” then all our “jumping” and “dancing” will not help. In such cases, our communication does not go beyond one consultation. I don’t see the point in further work if a person doesn’t try, but just passively looks: here I am, and here are my problems, and I’ll look from the outside as you solve them for me.

The best helper is the one who has experienced the same pain.

– Mikhail Igorevich, please explain how it turns out that people who feel bad, who ask for help, who demand it, suddenly come together and a good family turns out. They help each other while they themselves are in difficult conditions.

– There is a direct parallel here with the words of the Apostle Paul: “Having been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted” (Heb. 2:18).

In serious crises, you cannot help formally; there is no hiding behind either a diploma or a textbook.

“I remember this case: at one of the churches, a kind of crisis assistance center for addicts was opened, and a completely inexperienced young man was hosting the reception. All this lasted for two, maybe three, months. In the end he simply couldn’t stand it and ran away. The center has closed.

– After all, many experiences and sufferings, for example, the death of a loved one, suicide, addiction, really rest on the spiritual state of those experiencing it, and it is necessary to very unobtrusively, tactfully, technologically give certain knowledge so that these people can get out of trouble. As for addiction specifically, in our center we fundamentally do not deal with it. The fact is that helping addicts is a rather specific area. And you can’t be competent in everything. You must be able to choose a specific area for yourself and not try to embrace everything, because, as Kozma Prutkov said, “you cannot embrace the immensity.” We do not strive for this. We deal specifically with crises.

And the person who works with people with addictions in the church must be very professionally competent, he must have the support of his colleagues, and live a spiritual life. In the end, he must also understand what burnout is and be able to cope with it.

Professional burnout can affect all people in the so-called “helping professions.” They deal with this in different ways. And if a person didn’t think about it, didn’t understand it, then you look, and the lone rescuer was crushed by burnout, crushed by problems, crushed by demons.

On the “benefits” of consolation, humility and initiative

– Mikhail Igorevich, in one of your articles you stated: “Consolation is not always useful.” How to understand this? It seems surprising to hear such harsh words from a psychologist, a Christian. Clarify please.

– When people are consoled, the results vary. Someone is consoled, and then overcomes difficulties and comes out of them. You can compare this situation with an illness that a person, with the support of doctors, tries to overcome, and he recovers and is discharged healthy. This is wonderful. But there is another option, when the patient likes the attention to himself so much that the desire to get better disappears. These are the so-called and often unconscious secondary benefits. A person can, instead of crawling out of an illness, seek more and more attention, encouragement, and relationships, which he receives thanks to his illness. Then it is very difficult for him to get out of this situation. He is already so stuck in these benefits that he does not need a solution, he no longer wants to change anything in life in order to continue to receive his various benefits, which he does not want to give up at all.

– That is, here: “Hello, I am professionally poor. Are you sorry, gentlemen?

- Yes, you can say that. Professionally poor, professionally unhappy, offended in all my best feelings. By the way, this is very typical for infantile people. You don’t have to decide anything, let people decide for you, and you are a sufferer, go with the flow and get your secondary benefits.

– But maybe this is just humility?

– I’ll immediately make a reservation that I will not talk about monastic obedience - a truly Christian phenomenon and virtue - this is completely different, I cannot even comment on this, since the monastic world is mysterious, special and I do not dare to judge it.

But if we talk about worldly passivity, then any inertia or laziness can be called “humility.” A person doesn’t go to do something, he’s afraid of difficulties, he doesn’t want to take responsibility, he doesn’t want to prove his point of view, he’s afraid to propose, he’s afraid to defend – is this really humility? The Apostles, the greatest Fathers of the Church, were not afraid of anything and were proactive, being deeply humble. They walked, they preached, they wrote, they helped, they were compassionate, they were in action! They had an idea and a ministry. As well as the sacrificial desire to sincerely carry what they had in abundance. His Holiness Patriarch Kirill constantly calls us to responsibility and initiative. Look how much has been created, how much is being done! And without initiative, everything will turn into a swamp. Infantile, indecisive and cowardly are incapable of action.

As I understand it, humility is a sober vision of oneself, dispassion, peace in the soul, the desire to reveal God’s will about oneself. Is it really possible to understand her with the thoughts: “I don’t decide anything”, “As they bless me, so it will be”? A person gives up the initiative, deprives himself of the initiative, fearing even a hint of the existence of his point of view. This, according to spiritually experienced people, the holy fathers, is “humility,” the opposite of virtue. After all, God called each person from non-existence to existence, created him as a unique personality, and endowed him with an eternal soul so that it could grow. And it is clear that in this a person must also have the desire to serve God, to show initiative, otherwise why does he need a personality? In my opinion, it’s scary when, out of laziness and fear, they hide behind such “humility” that goes against their conscience. Well, in the world this often, in my opinion, very often takes the form of simply disguised infantilism and unwillingness to think for oneself, defend one’s values, take initiative, and take responsibility for one’s life.

Initiative is really needed now. If there is initiative, we will break through

In order for there to be a strong Motherland and an influential Orthodox Church, there must be people with a creative, active soul, who want and can bear their burden, their cross, who are reasonable, careful, know how and what to do, who are ready to defend the interests of the Fatherland and faith, then is to serve, and not just work from “now to now,” formally and exclusively according to instructions and “blessings.” A healthy initiative is required from a person. Now we need initiative both in the state sphere and in absolutely any other area. If there is an initiative, we will break through. A smart initiative, of course. Strategic thinking. Not “the main thing is that everything is fine in my yard, and then it’s none of my business - decide for yourself.” No matter how much you want, your yard cannot be made into an enclosed space. The world must be considered as a whole. Even if you make everything beautiful and wonderful in your yard, there are flowers everywhere, then some hooligans from the neighboring yard might trample them. Service is a sacrificial state when you give everything that is given to you, while remembering the reasoning, and then the Lord gives you even more.

– What is this initiative? Specifically, yours?

– We work a lot on suicide prevention. I have already held seminars in all groups and commissions on this issue of governments, probably in all regions; I conduct seminars in dioceses on the psychological aspects of counseling; I am a member of the Public Councils of two law enforcement agencies, where I also try to promote useful and necessary practical initiatives. Together with our colleagues, we support and develop the Perezhit.ru group of websites, where about 60,000 people come daily. And there is much more, even ordinary educational activities. I have no problems with initiatives and plans, but there are always difficulties with time.

Once again about love

If a person does not understand that love is sacrifice, he will certainly have problems in the family

– In my opinion, now we need to do more educational programs, and so that they are in a language understandable to modern people. After all, many simply do not know basic things! For example, in student audiences, when asking the question “What is love?”, you will almost never hear the correct answer. Some kind of mooing begins: “This is such a feeling...” What if tomorrow I have the same feeling for my neighbor? Will it be love? – Everyone laughs, seeing the inconsistency, but not understanding that love is not a feeling, but a sacrifice. But, unfortunately, this has disappeared from life. And if this is not the case, if people have not realized this even in school, they will inevitably encounter difficulties in the family in later life, because they do not understand the meaning of creating a family, nor the fact that they must be sacrificial, nor the saving meaning of the word “sacrifice.” " This means that conflicts will begin, and they, in turn, can lead to divorces in our time of simply unbridled pride. Divorces will lead to children being raised in single-parent families, which will lead to difficulties in creating happy families in the next generation. All this is worsening progressively, because there is no main thing, there is no foundation - a spiritual and moral foundation.

– And it turns out that we are punishing ourselves to the seventh generation?

– I was told that from five-ruble coins, if you place them one on top of the other on a flat surface, you can build “turrets” several meters high. And if the surface is uneven, then you yourself understand what will happen. We have the same thing now. If you place your life on an uneven foundation or there is no foundation at all, then everything falls and is destroyed. It is important to carry out educational work - not everyone will reach it, but at least some will understand that there must be a foundation.

Life is cut short or maimed because they do not understand its meaning

“Nowadays they talk about new suicides almost every day. What caused this “epidemic” in our society?

– The reasons, if we do not concern people with mental pathologies, affective states, are a lack of understanding of the meaning of life, a complete lack of moral standards, spiritual and moral understanding of the situation, etc. We encounter this very often at our center.

– Do Orthodox Christians who have decided to commit suicide also turn to you?!

– Orthodox – not even once! But here we must make a reservation: a truly Orthodox person is one who truly believes and lives in Christ. Because you can go to church, but at the same time not be Orthodox at all. No, by the way, Muslims are the same, suicidal. Quite often Muslims come to us with the problem of coping with the death of a loved one. People of other confessions and faiths come with other problems, not suicidal. Once I even had a rabbi at my consultation.

And those who live a Christian life have significantly fewer divorces, and they have significantly more children. Destructive behavior, again, is much less. Although the Orthodox also swear, no one is perfect, but they still swear to a much lesser extent.

When there is an understanding of why, for whom you live, what higher purpose you have, a person is much more responsible for his life and for other people. Conflicts are perceived in a completely different way: as a reason for overcoming, and not for despair.

- We have. And a lot. Of course, no one has calculated how many in ten years, but in my memory there are hundreds of such stories. Just last week, after several consultations, a couple - wonderful spouses - came in with the words: “Mikhail Igorevich, happy birthday and want to thank you: we sorted it out and realized that our problems are due to the fact that we stopped trusting each other. Now we want to have another child: we think this will help the healing of our relationship.”

– Isn’t there a utilitarian attitude towards children here?

- Not here. But these spouses had mistrust of each other. The husband believed that the wife was not doing something, the wife believed that the husband did not want a child. And this mutual distrust alienated them. It took several consultations to somehow bring them closer to each other and save the family.

To keep distance

– How do you withstand such a terrible load? After all, even listening to stories about all these blows and problems is already painful.

– Just like any professional traumatologist endures. If a person experiences acute pain, then for a specialist it should not be personal pain, but skill, opportunity, and most importantly, the desire to help professionally. A professional must be at a fairly safe distance, but at the same time one that allows him to help his neighbor.

Distance is needed to avoid burnout. There is no need to be a doctor, a patient, a “vest”, and a friend of the patient in one person. You must still understand that your role as a helper may at some point be limited: you are a rescuer, but you are not a Savior to resolve all issues once and for all.

– As far as I know, for some time the writer Yulia Voznesenskaya worked on the forums of the “perejit.ru” group of sites...

– Yulia Nikolaevna Voznesenskaya is an excellent writer, she was a moderator of several forums. Our “grandmother Yulia,” or as she was called by her nickname, helped people who did not want to live and people who were experiencing the death of loved ones. And she also wrote such special stories for us - the book “Quench My Sorrows” was made up of these stories. And it’s especially nice that she dedicated this book to my colleague and me.

– You yourself know very well that often Orthodox online communication between brothers in faith comes down, to put it mildly, to a bazaar: they begin to condemn, hate, and, at best, teach each other, “in a brotherly way,” of course. There is a constant desire for conflict. Your expert advice: how can Christians communicate online?

– A very long time ago I participated in the work of one of the Orthodox Internet forums. Having observed myself, my own behavior, as well as the reactions of other participants in conversations on various topics that concern Orthodox Christians, I came to the conclusion: this is mostly empty chatter, even if it is on a topic that seems very important today. I try very hard to avoid these disputes, and the condemnations associated with this format of communication. When there is nothing to do, you begin to divide into groups, get into conflicts, etc. It’s like dogs running in the same team in the North and barking among themselves. But this barking interferes with movement!

We are all in the same harness of the Lord. And we must spend our strength on moving towards Christ, and not on meaningless quarrels

We are all in the same harness of the Lord: He put us that way. And we should save our strength, direct it to moving towards Christ, and not waste it on yapping.

Orthodox Christians, smile!

– It’s immediately obvious that you know how and love to smile. How useful is humor in crisis situations?

– I believe that humor is simply necessary. When I conduct seminars on preventing suicidal behavior for specialists, many say with a smile: “Listen, it’s so funny with you. We will later tell you that we were at a seminar on suicide and burst out laughing..."

I believe that just the basis, the presentation of the material should not be some kind of gloomy “load”. Modern man experiences enormous difficulties when he hears even hints of something serious - spirituality or suicide. Humans are designed in such a way that it is much more difficult to perceive complex information. And when it is presented in an easy, understandable, accessible and interesting way, the information is absorbed in a completely different way. Let us remember the apostles. When they came somewhere, they did not stand on the podium and did not make speeches about difficult things. No one would understand them! And they knew how to talk about important and complex things easily and clearly.

I know people who came to faith thanks to a smile

I know people who came to faith thanks to the smile, creation and light that real Christians, simple Orthodox people brought. One family came to faith when their grandmother was ill. She had a stroke. And they ran into a Christian nurse in the hospital. She, of course, did not graduate from seminary. And she was so unselfish, treated them so kindly, supported them with a smile, while doing the hardest work, perceiving it as service to God, that two people who had not really thought about faith until then, said to a friend to a friend: “We must go to the temple: God exists.” And then I already read that it happened in a similar way with the apostles, with the first Christians, when the pagans looked at them and said: “Exactly, there is a God. Look how they love each other."

Here again is the question of content and external form. And in our center, on the websites, we try to ensure that the content is appropriate. Our form is so-so. There is no particular place to receive people. We don’t have luxurious offices, we don’t have any super equipment, although, of course, it wouldn’t hurt. Our main thing is that we are super-professionals. Our sites have an administrator - simply a unique girl, herself a severely disabled person, but with her service she saved hundreds of people who came to the sites and forums. After all, it happens like this: one person saves another person: let’s say, pulls him out of the water - and he fully deserves the title of hero; and here a person who cannot walk himself saves dozens - and no one knows about her. They only know the nickname: “Wave”. Moreover, she generally lives alone! The Lord gives such amazing people who modestly, without exposing themselves, save dozens, or even hundreds of souls from death and despair.

– Probably, the experience of your center is in great demand?

– Yes, both in the world and in the Church. I spend a lot of time on business trips, our center employees share their experiences and participate in various programs. Of course, we also help methodically: people come to us from all over Russia. And most importantly: people see the benefits of our work. We work for God's sake. And we are very happy about this.

“Psychological service at the temple” - for many this combination looks exotic. However, in Moscow, a similar service has existed for eight years, and the flow of people coming to Orthodox psychologists for help is growing every year.
What kind of help are they looking for? Why are church sacraments not enough for them in church? How do priests feel about the activities of the service? The head of the service, Orthodox psychologist Irina Nikolaevna MOSHKOVA, answers these and other questions.

Reference. The psychological service appeared at the Life-Giving Spring Orthodox Center in 1996. The center itself arose on the basis of the family Sunday school of the temple in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Life-Giving Spring" in Tsaritsyn. The school director is Irina Nikolaevna Moshkova, candidate of psychological sciences, specialist in the field of family psychology. Confessor - rector of the church in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Life-Giving Source" Archpriest. Georgy Breev. The psychological consultation employs four specialists. Reception is also carried out on the basis of the Tsaritsyn Center for Social Services in the Department of Social and Psychological-Pedagogical Assistance to Families and Children, opened in 1988 thanks to Orthodox specialists.

To a psychologist or to confession?

How do you yourself feel about the attitude of the Church towards psychology?
- At the time when I became a church member, the Church was just beginning to revive (this was approximately 85-86) and had not yet determined its position on many issues of modern scientific knowledge. The attitude towards psychology at that time was wary or even negative - it was perceived as a pseudoscience. Then, in a sense, I was called upon to give up my profession.
Now the situation has changed. As you know, the Faculty of Psychology has been opened at the Russian Orthodox University of St. John the Theologian. Its dean is priest Andrei Lorgus, a former graduate of the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. Students from St. Tikhon's Theological Institute come to us for practice. There is a specialty there - social pedagogy, which is unthinkable without taking into account developmental and family psychology.
At the Christmas readings there is a section “Christian Anthropology and Psychology”, which brings together religious specialists. There are priests who have received psychological education and combine it with their ministry. There is a positive experience of interaction between a priest and a psychologist.

- Why does modern man need a psychologist? After all, we managed without them before.
- We live in such a hectic rhythm that we often find ourselves unable to put the life of our soul in order. Our vanity and busyness lead to the fact that we cannot think of anything, say it to the end, our thoughts just “jump” in our heads, our feelings just flared up and have already gone out. We are in public all the time. At home, too, there are no conditions so that we can simply be alone and somehow organize our inner world. As soon as we retired, someone disturbed us again: the phone was ringing, the TV was on... We speak in a hurry, communicate with just anyone, act without thinking, and then regret it. And this confusion, chaos of experiences, events are intertwined in some kind of lump, the person feels bad, and he is unable to understand why.
The task of a psychologist is to help a person do the work of organizing his life. The initial dialogue often goes like this: a person tells something, cries, has difficulty formulating his thoughts, remembers his childhood and at the same time talks about the present. And the psychologist must see a logical chain in all this mixed material and show the person the hidden motives of his behavior. After all, it often happens that we think one thing, say another, do something else, do not understand ourselves, do not see moments of contradiction. If we are talking about a family conflict, we need a person with whom the main characters could calmly, confidentially talk and think about their lives.

- Isn't it enough to have a good friend for all this?
- Still, special knowledge is needed here - for example, in developmental psychology. Because the problems of a preschooler are one thing, and the problems of a teenager, or a boy, or a girl are another thing. A psychologist helps parents figure this out, especially since a teenager, for example, may not go to a consultation with his mother, and the relationship reaches a dead end.
A psychologist, knowing the laws of communication, knows how to position a person for contact, structure a conversation in such a way that it results in a dialogue, so that a person who is suffering, ill, worried, looking for a solution, can determine his main vital positions. And the psychologist must be able to analyze the story and construct a correct generalization. Not every person, not every friend is capable of this.
But there is an important factor: you need an Orthodox psychologist. It happens that in a critical situation a friend gives some advice not from the point of view of the Law of God, but from the point of view of common common sense. Let's say a husband cheated on his wife. A woman seeks compassion and talks about it with pain. And a friend or girlfriend says: “Come on, spit on him, change him yourself! Live your life!”
On the one hand, this advice is given “as a consolation.” On the other hand, what a piece of advice! Often people come to see us who not only talked with friends, but also had consultations with non-believing specialists and received similar recommendations. The man calmed down, began to follow these tips, and his own actions fell upon his conscience with new pain, completely unbearable. In addition to the feeling that “I am the victim,” there was also the feeling that “I am the culprit.” In this case, the situation becomes so confusing, the person suffers, cries, he doesn’t want to live, but he doesn’t know what to do or how to behave.

- But if this is a believer, he probably needs to run to confession, and not to a psychologist?
- Actually, the point of our work with a person is to prepare him for communication with a priest. We in no way replace priestly service, we simply help a person complete this initial work of reflection on his own life, so that he finds the pain points of his own self, which then help him to repent. As long as a person lives in the feeling of a “victim” and believes that it is not his fault that his life did not work out, but someone else (husband, parents or child), things will not work out. A person will come to confession, but not with repentance, but with a desire to justify himself, cry into his vest and tell how evil and cruel everyone is around him. The priest asks him: “Do you yourself understand that you are a sinner?” But a person suffers from resentment, he sincerely does not understand: what should he apologize or repent of? Everyone should apologize to him! He cultivates within himself this resentment, claims and grumbling towards everyone around him.
Those. a person comes to church, but he is not ready for confession, he is not ready to change himself and his way of life. Our task is to help a person come to this point of view, relieve him of the feeling of “victim” and show that in fact he himself is responsible for his life, that the dead end or crisis in which he finds himself is the result of his own choice.
A priest can very seriously reprimand such an “offended” person, unprepared for confession, and say: “Why are you taking up time here, distracting? Look how many people are standing behind you!” And it happens that this causes such a stupor in the future - a person will not take a single step towards the temple again. His soul hurts, he cannot tell it, he has no feeling of guilt, and he also has no understanding of how to live further with this pain. And the person begins to “swallow air.”
At this moment, if the priest does not help, and the Orthodox psychologist is not encountered on the way, they will go to psychics, sorcerers, according to advertisements: “I will open the bewitch”, “I will return my loved one” - please, any illnesses will be healed...

- That is, Is consultation with a psychologist a necessary measure of help for churchgoing people?
- This is a feature of modern church life: a lot of people come to churches, priests have a huge workload. The contact between a parishioner and a priest during confession is extremely brief - a few minutes, but the soul is filled with some feelings, thoughts, experiences... Sometimes the priest, even in a few words, gives an instant assessment of a person’s spiritual state. If a person comes in a state of mental anguish, fatigue, despair, depression, the priest, limiting himself to short words, puts on an epitrachelion, reads a prayer of permission, realizing that perhaps years and decades will pass before the person returns to normal.
The priest calls on the person to begin to carry out independent work within himself, to make some efforts: “Pray, humble yourself, be patient, go towards the person who is at enmity with you.” But in practice this can be difficult to do. When a person encounters dislike, misunderstanding, and hostility, he quickly despairs, becomes offended, and after two or three unsuccessful attempts to normalize the relationship, he loses the feeling that this is expedient, that it is worth straining so hard.

- How can a psychologist help in this case?
- On the one hand - to listen, to understand. This requires, of course, the deepest sympathy, trust, sympathy for the interlocutor, whatever he may be. He may smell like fumes, he may be a person with a torn psyche, taking handfuls of medications, he may have already made several attempts at suicide, etc. - We must be able to build contact with him.
And the second, very important part is the ability to strengthen a person, support and bring him out of a state of loss, bitterness, crushedness, and the feeling of being a “victim.” You need to be able to delicately show him that in fact, no one else, but he himself, in many ways confused this situation or led it to such a dramatic development, suggest why the efforts made do not bring results and what other opportunities there are to correct the situation.

- It turns out that a psychologist is needed very often. And when is it not needed?
- When a person already clearly understands the purpose and meaning of his life, when he has already understood the tasks of salvation and is already working on correcting his own soul. In this case, even if he has serious problems, the advice of his confessor, blessing, support, regular confession, and communion is enough for him.

- Does it happen that the priest himself sends a person to you?
- People constantly come to us with the blessing of the priest with various family problems. Quite recently, for example, a priest sent a mother of many children to us - she has eight children. There, parents have their own complex relationships with each child and between the children themselves, so I had to draw a whole diagram in order to figure it all out and keep it in my memory...
There are even more unexpected situations. This is not the first time that clergy have turned to us for advice on raising children. Over eight years of work, enough such cases have already accumulated. A priest who carries out extensive pastoral activities in his own family finds himself excluded from the process of raising a child. He may be present at home, but not find any mental strength to draw, take a walk, or play sports with him. So it turns out that “a shoemaker without boots”: instructing and guiding spiritual children sometimes turns out to be easier than establishing contact with one’s own - even the only - child.

Diseases of the century

Do people come to you with an upset psyche?
- Yes. Moreover, one employee of our service is a psychotherapist and medical psychologist. He is more likely than others to see people who have mental health problems. Among them there are alcoholics who have great difficulty getting out of binge drinking or have just started drinking under the influence of some circumstances; and people are depressed, because depression has become the disease of the century - a person of absolutely any age can suffer from it.

- Why has depression become so common?
- This is a natural consequence of godlessness, which in crisis situations gives rise to a feeling of hopelessness. A believer understands: what is impossible for man is possible for God; Through tearful prayer combined with heartfelt petition, the Lord can miraculously arrange my life and the life of my loved ones. For an unbeliever, despondency often results in despair - a state when a person stops fighting for himself.
I have seen young people aged 23-25 ​​in a state of severe depression, when an objectively healthy person turns into a “living corpse”. He may lie on the bed for days or be frozen in one position; he may experience muscle spasms and cramps of the limbs. Bitterness, resentment, and his own pride close him off and bring him to a state where he has no thoughts, no feelings, no desires. It is extremely difficult to convince such a person to undergo treatment. He doesn’t consider himself sick, he doesn’t analyze himself at all at this moment, he just stares blankly at one point. These are the very cases when priests say: nothing will help unless the Lord Himself intervenes in the life of this person, unless something happens, some kind of cataclysm that will snatch the person from the position of “the living dead.”

- What real psychological problems can lead to mental illness?
- Sometimes it happens that a person suffers some kind of humiliation and reproach for a long time; he submits to people who constantly neglect him or encroach on his honor and dignity. A person who loses his own dignity, driven to a certain point of despair, can either commit suicide, or kill his rapist, despite the fact that he is a close relative, or destroy his mental health.
In my practice, I have to deal with women who suffer severe beatings from their husbands. A drunken husband plays around or cheats on her, and in front of her eyes, bringing his wife to a state of extreme, extreme humiliation. If the wife adds some Christian feelings to this suffering, she says: “What should I do? I endure and humble myself...” Although in fact these are the very cases when, in general, it is impossible to endure. After all, this is the law: you are treated as you allow. A person suffers, but this suffering is not salutary, it leads to self-destruction - or to physical destruction. Depression of a clinical nature, hysteria or schizophrenia develops as chronic diseases. A person “goes into illness” from an existing problem.

- How do you determine what is a psychological problem and what is a disease?
- A person may be sick now, but he wants to get better, or he strives to normalize relationships - this is an important criterion for normality. Those. when there is so-called “criticism”, there is an understanding of one’s situation, a desire to improve the state of affairs. It is impossible to help a person who wants to live and die in his suffering, with the feeling of how bitterly and cruelly he was offended. This is already a manifestation of the disease: he is ossified in this, he has no need to get out of an unfavorable situation.

Loneliness in the family

Your psychological counseling is family-oriented. What family problems do people most often come to see a psychologist about?
- These are problems of marital relations and problems of raising children. Very often women come with the same problem: a drinking husband. You can imagine what it’s like to live with a person who returns home drunk every day, swears, fights, yells at the children, doesn’t help around the house and, on top of that, doesn’t bring in a salary. Now, unfortunately, there are a lot of such families.
Women contact us who just can’t find a life partner. Single women come in love with a married man. These relationships sometimes last for years. A woman’s constant struggle with herself takes away her strength, she begins to feel helpless, gets nervous, does not sleep at night, cannot work, begins to hate herself, but cannot cope with the feeling.

- Is it possible to somehow reverse this?
- Certainly. Actually, this is what we work for - so that a person finds the strength to analyze his life, look at himself as a Christian or a Christian, see his mistakes, blunders, fixation on the feeling of self-pity.

But many today live with the conviction: if a “big feeling” overtakes you, you cannot do anything about it. From the point of view of an Orthodox psychologist, can a person control any of his feelings?
- Of course - if he is a person. In the state of an “individual,” a person, as a rule, does not control himself; he lives and acts guided by the movements of passions. Unfortunately, if we talk about modern times, many people in this state of “individuality” live and feel great, and do not strive for anything else. Actually, only when a person begins to live with God does he, with God’s help, gradually master himself; he can control his actions, his feelings and even his thoughts.

- Only women come to you? Or men too?
- Men still come much less often. Many men are convinced that turning to someone for advice is a sign of weakness. Therefore, if men turn to us, then, as a rule, these are young people who do not yet have a family and who are unable to create a family. Of course, family people also apply. In a modern family, a person very often feels lonely.
There is such a modern problem - simply the scourge of many, many families. Parents come to a consultation and say: “I can’t do anything with my child, I can’t cope with him.” And this child is sometimes four to six years old! They can't handle it anymore! The child is capricious, throws tantrums, and is stubborn. Parents begin to try different methods to pacify him. Then they cajole him and allow him everything. The child indulges even more. Then they take him with a tight rein: they prohibit sweets or walks, severely punish him, etc. This also does not bring results. After this, the parents resort to edification, begin to read morality - quoting the Holy Scriptures, if the people are churchgoers: “What kind of Christian are you?!. What kind of Christian are you?!.” And this Christian is maybe seven years old at most. It is clear that his soul is not yet in a state to comprehend itself from this point of view. And in response, the child sometimes does more daring things: he can throw everything around, throw icons on the floor: “I won’t pray!”, “I won’t go to church with you!” And so on.
And here the real panic begins, because all the tried measures do not bring results. And the parents don’t see where they are wrong.

- What are they most often mistaken about?
- In choosing a position in relation to the child: they look at him simply as an object of education, believing that he belongs to them as a certain thing. But the child is not ours, he is God’s, he is a gift from God, given to us for care, for the transfer of positive life experiences. Parents who live with the attitude “you are mine, I do whatever I want with you” do not take into account the fact that in front of them is not a toy, not a thing, but a living human soul that reacts to every parent’s word, which can cry, maybe exhausted, may protest. The child's soul rebels against dislike with all its might - to the point that a real rebellion can manifest itself and the child can leave home.
Parents complain that their children are disobedient, that they are not doing well at school, that they have conflicts with teachers, that they stay out until late at night, or that they sit at the computer for a long time. But, as a rule, behind this there is a feeling of child orphanhood with living parents, when the situation in the house is such that no one needs the child. This is very relevant now, this is a very painful topic.

- What can a psychologist advise?
- Well, for example, literally before our conversation I had a conversation at the Tsaritsyn Central Social Security Center. The grandmother holds her grandson, who is only two years old, in her arms and tells him that the child is very nervous, is afraid of everything, and literally does not let her go. He has terrible diathesis, allergic reactions, bronchial asthma, he is constantly sick... He also has a sister who is five or six years old, but who already has whims, scenes of jealousy towards this baby. It is clear that there is something in this family that hurts these children and leads them to neuropsychic overstrain.
It turns out that the mother gave birth to children without a husband, she has children, but there are no maternal feelings. She works from morning to evening to feed her family, leaving all the care for the children on the shoulders of her grandmother. The grandmother is forced to sit with the children, but no matter how she caresses them or caresses them, it is impossible to replace the mother. I say: “What if the mother works less?” She: “You know, if she works less, she will turn on the TV and watch it.” Considering that her personal life has failed, she only feels sorry for herself.
Here is a typical picture of child orphanhood. And the grandmother is overburdened, such a double burden: pain both about her grandchildren and about her daughter (because it turns out that she raised her poorly) - everything is intertwined together, this woman cries continuously. He talks and cries.
After such a conversation, our task is to motivate the grandmother to action, not just to complain, not just to tears, but to show her that - yes, everything has turned out this way that now you cannot count on your own daughter. On the one hand, with the help of Sunday school we can give grandmother an understanding of what a person is called to, how God intended him to be. On the other hand, the grandmother needs an understanding that a new cross has been placed on her, for which she was not internally ready - neither spiritually nor psychologically. She must come to terms with the presence of this cross and fill the gap that her daughter created. The grandmother herself must find the meaning of life, and guide the children through life, at least at this first stage.
Experienced Sunday school teachers will help the grandmother understand how to communicate with children so that they calm down, gain peace of mind, become spiritually enlightened, and develop creatively. The most important thing is that through Sunday school the road to the temple opens, to the opportunity to participate in the sacraments. Moreover, it is important to overcome hatred and hostility towards your daughter. She needs loving, patient care from her mother, prayer for the salvation of her soul, so that she, as a person, does not completely collapse and still takes up raising children. And I am sure that if grandmother dares to take such a step, by the end of the year there will already be positive changes in this house.
We see such grandmothers who raise their grandchildren instead of their daughters all the time. Only in some cases can a mother commit suicide, in others she can go to prison.

- Many people manage to really help - change the situation, find themselves, find their way to the temple?
- Certainly! It is no longer possible to count how many such people there were during the eight years of work. And sometimes nothing has even changed yet, the situation is as it was and remains, but - a new understanding was born that I am not just a grain of sand in this situation, which means nothing, that I can change something with the help of God - and a person leaves grateful, calls after a while: “You know, I thought (or I thought) ... but let me try!” It costs a lot.

Interviewed by Inna KARPOVA